Living with loss

On Tuesday I was sitting in a restaurant in an airport when I felt the pain of the loss of my ex. Not the loss of my partner, not the loss of the kids father, not the pain of being alone. The actual pain of losing ex, the man, himself. Looking back on the moment I can see the contributing factors, it was like a perfect storm.

My eyes filled with tears. All the reasons that I loved him flooded me, in waves, I remembered the good times. They were few and far between but they existed. And instead of fighting it, I just let it come. The sensation of loss for my ex now feels so foreign to me, I barely recognised it. The pain lasted only a few moments and passed as quickly as it came on.

These days I rarely think of ex as anything other than the father of my children and most days we are adversaries. I rarely feel pain when I consider the loss of ex and I am truely grateful to be out of my marriage. But I loved and I lost and the fact that I still occasionally feel the pain of loss doesn’t make me weak. It makes me me.

Healthy growth

I wish I could tell you I’m doing better since the break up. The truth? When Bobby called this weekend inviting me to a cookout at his friends house I went. I had a great time, enjoyed the company but spent the night “playing” his girlfriend. I settled at his side with the familiarity of an intimate relationship.

One thing I promised myself after ex was that I wouldn’t settle. As great a guy as Bobby was is, staying with him would be settling. My friends have had to put up with numerous phone calls from me this week. “Tell me I did the right thing. Tell me I need to stay away from him. Tell me he isn’t it for me.”

Sunday morning, when the harsh light of day was slapping me in the face I began chatting with my cousin. Peter is my age, single, never be married but he’s ready to be settled. He just cannot find the right girl. We were discussing the conventional wisdom and how you follow it practically. You know how people who are in a relationship tell you, “It will happen when you least expect it.” “Quit looking, love will find you.” What they never tell you is how to stop the ache of loneliness.

I am grateful for my time with Bobby. Dating him helped me expose some scars I had and healing I still had to do. Dating him helped motivate me into looking forward at my future. It was a growing experience my time with him but it’s time to cut ties, move forward alone. Why is that so much easier said than done?

Trashy Women

A: OMG! Did you see the way that girl just looked at you. She looked you up and down and rolled her eyes.

Elisabeth: I know. She doesn’t like me, she thinks I’m trashy for having (insert number here) kids.

A: How many kids does she have?

Elisabeth: Three, but they all have a different baby daddy. She married the last one, only he has always had a crush on me, since we were little kids.

A: I love this town.

He isn’t Mr. Right

We broke up. I had written about all the reasons we cannot be together. I wrote the post, I just couldn’t put it up. I spent last week in tears, my head knowing we shouldn’t be together but my heart longing to hear the sound of his voice.

For the last 6 weeks when I left work on Friday he would call and we would finalize our plan for the night. This Friday afternoon all I could do was cry, I missed him. I  made plans to meet my mother for some shopping therapy and then I was going out dancing with my girlfriends. I was sitting at the table, having dinner with my mother when he called. For a moment I tried to ignore it but I couldn’t.

“I miss you.”

We had made plans for the weekend, before the breakup. There was an all weekend party at his friends house and we were supposed to be there together, now he was there alone. He wanted me to come to the party.

“Okay… no… I just don’t know…”

I went. All the reasons I care about him, they are still there. But all the reasons we cannot be together, they are still there.  He doesn’t fit into my world. And I don’t fit in his.

My head knows it’s best this way, I need to stay away from him. But my heart keeps reminding me how good he was to me, how good he was to the kids. How do I convince my heart to follow my head?

Damaged goods

We went on our first date Friday night. We sat on the same side of the booth at this little hole in the wall place he loves. We talked, held hands under the table and found we have the same taste in seafood. The night was magic. He told me that I mean a lot to him and I echoed those feelings.

Then Saturday afternoon we sat on my couch and he backed out of plans for the night. His back hurt, it had been hurting all week. It shouldn’t have been a big deal. But those scars from years of disappointment and lies from ex reared their ugly head and I completely over reacted.  Bobby called me on it, told me I was being a baby and started to leave. He was right and I started to calm down but the damage had been done. Those ugly scars had been exposed.

He didn’t call Sunday. He called Monday and I apologised for my behavior. We talked and I thought things had been smoothed over. But he still hasn’t called. I can’t call him, I’m too afraid of those scars.

I’ve spent a year watching the scars heal. I’ve spent a year growing personally. I’ve spent a year building friendships and relationships. I’ve spent a year learning to be healthy again. And I’m doing pretty good.

But as much as I’ve healed I will never be the person I was before ex broke me. I will never be as strong as I was before the damage was done.

Now I’m afraid Bobby has discovered I’m damaged goods and maybe I’m not worth the effort. I’m trying so hard to remember that if he doesn’t think I’m worth the effort, then he isn’t worth the tears. I’m trying hard not to let the scars define me.

This post-divorce dating is scary. I’m scared. And I don’t know how not to be.

Walk this way

Last night I indulged my teenage self once again and drove two hours to meet my good friend for a New Kids on the Block concert. Our teenage selves screamed and danced and had a fantastic time. But the highlight of my night was the bouncer I ran into before the concert…

Bouncer to Little Country Girl: “Girl, I am going to need you to turn around and walk away. Then walk right back over here to me.”

Insecurity and Vulnerability

Last night Bobby and I took the girls to an outdoor concert. He is so good with my girls and so helpful to me. He pushed the stroller. He put the girls on his shoulders. He took them to get something to eat. He got them balloon animals. And when the night was over he held me in his arms and kissed me with all the passion a girl could hope for.

 

But this morning the magic of the night is gone. The harsh realities of life stare me in the face as I get the kids ready for school and go through my morning routine.

 

Opening up to someone new has made me vulnerable again. I have spent so long concentrating on not being vulnerable, this change of course is hard. It’s bringing a lot of my insecurities to the surface.

 

Ex told me so many times that no other man would ever treat me as well as he did. Bobby has proved that wrong. Ex told me that I was ugly. Since the divorce I’ve lost four dress sizes and spend time on my personal appearance that I didn’t use to. Ex used to say people didn’t really want to be my friend. Not only do I have my best friend back, I’ve made wonderful new friends. Ex told me that no man would ever love me. He’s wrong. I know he’s wrong. But that small voice in my head can still hear the whispers.

 

Bobby does so many little things to show he cares. But instead of reveling in them, I stress about the little things he doesn’t do.

 

I know that insecurity is unattractive in a person. I know that the issues I’m having have nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. When I’m with him I try so hard to hold back the crazy me and show him the healthy me. I try hard not to overthink. I try to just relax and enjoy. I try.

 

But this morning. This morning I’m feeling vulnerable. This morning I’m scared. And this morning I needed to say that out loud.

I let him in

When my marriage failed I was devastated. My heart was broken. You don’t just forget that kind of pain. The pain dulls, your heart heals but you can remember how bad it hurts to hurt. And you never want to hurt like that again.

And now I’m alone. And I’m lonely. And I’m ready to start dating again. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

And I’ve met someone.

I like spending time with him. I like camping with him. I like watching him with my kids. I like the way my heart skips a beat when his name comes up on my caller ID. I like him.

Yesterday when he got to my house he kissed me and then he held me. And then he let me drive his truck. His big, redneck truck. At dinner he ordered for me. And by the time he left last night I realised that I had let him in. To my heart.

And now I’m scared. Because I let him in to my heart, a heart that knows what it feels like to be broken. A heart that can remember the pain. And I’m scared. Because I let him in.

Famous Last Words

You know how I said that Bobby wasn’t my Mr. Right? And told you about those reasons we couldn’t date?

I had those reasons all laid out in my head. They were the defenses I was using to protect my heart. And they were legitimate, had they been true. The problem was I did a lot of listening to the wrong people.

On Friday I met my father at an outdoor festival for dinner. I ran into a girl I knew in high school, who is dating a good friend of Bobby’s. She asked me how things were going, when I hestitated they began talking about Bobby and the great guy he is. Then on Saturday one of my girlfriends had a party, turns out her sister knows Bobby and thinks he is a great guy. She said “I love the idea of you and Bobby together, you two are both such great people, you deserve each other.”

So on our my home at 2:30 in the morning, I sent Bobby a simple text message “I miss you.”

I didn’t have to wait long for him to respond. I invited him over for dinner on Sunday and we had a great time, talking and laughing together. We went for a walk. And he kissed me. And fireworks exploded, right there in my living room.

Is Bobby my Mr. Right? Is he IT for me? I don’t know but I’m going to have fun finding out.

The camping fallout

I knew it was coming. It started the moment I drove away on Sunday. But what I couldn’t foresee was the reason for the fall out.

We had a great time. I had so much fun sitting around the campsite. The kids played at the playground, shopped at the camp store. We played “redneck horseshoes” and sat around under the awning of the camper drinking beer and talking. We worked together at mealtimes - Bobby cooked on the grill and I fixed  the rest. And we talked and there were times I think Bobby let his guard down and I could see the guy beneath the tough exterior.

So why did the tears begin to flow as I drove away? I didn’t know to be honest with you. It took me a few days just to put my thoughts together and sort through my feelings.

The conclusion I’ve come to, the reason I’m upset, is that we had so much fun. Really, Elisabeth, how is having fun a problem? Because it wasn’t real, it was just an illusion. The truth is this weekend shined a light on what’s missing in my life – a partner. Someone to fill the traditional role of a man in my life. Someone to share the day to day chores and joys of life with. For two days we were playing at “happy family” and I loved it.

The truth is that Bobby is not my Mr. Right, he isn’t IT for me, for a number of tangible reasons.

Most days I’m okay with being single, most days I can do it myself, most days I’m happy in my role of single mom. But some days I just wish there was someone on my side, someone to light the grill, stand up for me when the kids talk about stepmom and someone to answer the call to go pick up the kids from the playground when it starts raining.

I’m not saying I need a man to complete me, I’m just saying it was nice to have one to compliment me.