My day of thanks

Today we went around the room talking about what we were thankful for. And the talk inevitably turned to my grandfather who passed away 2 1/2 years ago.  My grandmother says, “I am selfish but I want him here with me.”  My grandparents were the cool grandparents. Whenever they came to visit our lives were packed full of fun trips, eating out and bountiful shopping sprees. 

In the end he had a series of strokes. Eventually it became apparent that he was near the end.  My mother and I made the 12 hour drive praying the entire way that we made it before he passed away.  We did but he never regained consciousness. I sat at his beside for 14 hours a day for the next few days.  I sat at his beside and held his hand and talked. I was separated from ex and I babbled on about it. I read to him from the Bible. I cried and I laughed. Sometimes there were others there but often it was just the two of us.

There were times when I was certain he was there listening to me. And there were others when I was afraid he was already far away. But there was one time in particular I was talking about my life, musing out loud about how much I had screwed up my life, the tears began to flow and I stood to get a tissue.  Grampy wouldn’t let go of my hand, he was holding my hand.  So I sat back down and just cried. Because no matter how far away my grandfather was, he was going to prove to me that he was still there for me.

Not even death could steal his ability to comfort me.  This summer at the lake, sitting on the beach I could hear him telling me it was time to move on. Yes, my heart had been broken. Yes, being a single mother was hard. But it was time for my life to move forward.  Without him there would be no summer home, no summer property to restore my soul.

I am grateful for all my grandfather did for me as a child, as an adult and the wheels he set in motion to care for me today. Like my grandmother I am selfish, I long to have him here. Today I give thanks that I had a Grampy who loved me with all that he was and gave me all that he had.

My obsession continues

Today as I wandered the streets of Boston I passed a fire house. There was a guy standing in the bay and spoke to me as I walked by. I turned around and asked him where I could find somewhere to buy a pie dish.  Now this is a great cover because A- it’s the holidays and perfectly reasonable I’d be making a pie B – I’m from out of town C – that really is what I was looking for.  

There had been a fire in the Crate and Barrel just up the street earlier this week.  It didn’t take much to get him talking about it. Then he invited me into the lounge, where there were some other guys – not nearly as adorable. I talked with him for awhile, he asked where I was from, we talked about the weather – it’s freezing here.  The other guys smirked at us as we flirted.

So my infatuation with firemen continues.  Maybe it’s because they are so damn hot… Or maybe it’s because they live in the city… Or maybe it’s because I love flirting with them… Or maybe it’s the idea of having fun and walking away and not expecting anything… Or maybe I owe it all to that amazing night with my El Barrio’s Bravest… Whatever it is, I think I’m becoming a little obsessed with firemen.

Out of my comfort zone

I love this city. I love Boston. Saturday night I went out dancing with my brothers. Sunday we all had brunch together at this great place on Charles St.

Today I was on my own. I shopped on Boylston Street, walked around the streets.  And then I stood at the entrance of the T. Armed with my brother’s monthly T pass I headed down underground. I stood for a moment at the map on the wall, trying to decide where I would go. Secure in the knowledge that if I screwed up and got completely lost I could always just hail a cab. Naturally I went to Fenway. I waited for the right train. Here is where I ended up.

Tonight my brother had a dinner with his team from work.  He suggested a bar up the street where I could have dinner.  That meant I would be having dinner alone, in public. Now this may not seem like that big a deal to you but to me it’s practically unheard of.  I walked the blocks to the bar and looked in the window.  And then I kept walking.  I got several blocks away and began giving myself a pep talk.  I could do this.  Then I looked up and in front of me was a fire house and my memories of the firemen came flooding back.

Now perhaps these events don’t seem like a big deal to you. For me they were huge. Remember I am a country girl, public transportation is completely foreign to me and eating alone is done at home.  But one of the things I really wanted to do here was stretch myself, try new things.  I wanted to experience life in a real city.

One of the things that was destroyed in my marriage was my confidence. This reared it’s head recently surprising one of my friends, “you always have it so together, I’ve never seen you like this.” The thing is I fake it well. 

But you are never going to learn new things unless you try new things.  So I got on the T.  I walked in the door of the bar.  I stepped out of my comfort zone. Alone.

Boston

Tonight I dropped my kids off with their father and kept driving. My bags are packed, tonight I am staying with a friend on my way to Boston. Tomorrow I will arrive in my favorite city, hopefully in time for the Christmas tree lighting at Faneuil Hall.  When I was a child my grandfather would would take us there for lunch each time we went into the city.

I will be staying with my brother and we will be hitting the town with his friends.  Including the friend who stayed with us for Christmas just after ex and I separated.  Nothing happened but flirting and the exchange of a few e-mails.  But that was enough to give me hope that there was life beyond my marriage.

Now 3 years later I am over my ex and ready to flirt again.  For one week I will be a single girl in the big city. Next week while my brother is working I will wander the city doing the touristy things.  For one week I will set down the load I carry and be the carefree girl of my youth. The one who would hold her grandfathers hand and dream of all the possibilities her life had in store.

I think I’ll go to Boston. I think I’ll start a new life, I think I’ll start it over, where no one knows my name… for a week at least.

It gets easier

I got a phone call today from a friend who has recently cut ties with her ex. Three years after her divorce was final she was still holding out hope things would work out and he was still cheating on her.  Her ex would show up every couple of weeks, tell her how much he loved her, warm her bed and then take off. A few months ago she finally stood her ground and took back his key to her house. If only it was that easy to take back the key to her heart.

Yesterday she had a particularly bad conversation with her ex and today she was still hurting. She wanted to know how to make the pain stop.  I get this question so often.  Unfortunately there is no one size fits all fix. I can’t offer that.

What I can offer is hope.

My husband was a cheater.  What that meant was lots of lies.  It used to be when I found out the truth about something he had done the pain would wash over me, like a wave. There were times I could literally feel the wave.  At my lowest I just let the pain come and drown in it. Those are the times I couldn’t even get out of bed.  I couldn’t function at work.  Eventually the waves lessened, so that when those discoveries happened the pain would wash over me but I would struggle to the surface and keep going.

Then one day I was sitting at my desk at work and discovered a new truth behind an old lie.  I can’t even remember what I found but I remember sitting at my desk waiting for the wave of pain.  A few minutes later I opened one eye and looked around.  There hadn’t been a wave, it hadn’t come.  I won’t lie to you, the waves still come occasionally.  But for the most part I am standing on the beach, enjoying the beauty that is my life without being in the turmolt of the sea that was my life with ex.

So no matter where you are, whether you are still drowning in the pain or struggling to the surface. Don’t try to rush it because you have to go through this pain to get to the healing.  Day by day.  Just know that it gets easier.

I don’t have time

I met a guy.  We had our third date on Friday. Not once has he tried to kiss me, not once has he tried to hold my hand.  There have been several things that have proven to me that his self confidence is lacking but as some point you have to man up, right? Friday, as we were watching Daniel Craig on screen amoungst a sea of good looking men in the seats around me I decided he had one more shot. After the movie he walked me to my car, I looked at him and waited. And… nothing.

Three dates, I should have felt sparks by now, right? I don’t. They aren’t there.  That’s kind of disappointing because he is such a nice guy.  I love talking to him, we have had at least 3 conversations that have been longer than 2 hours. 

I’m lonely. I have enjoyed having someone to talk to, someone to go to dinner with. That’s why I have let it go on this long but it isn’t an excuse.  In person there just aren’t any sparks.  And I just don’t have time to wait around for him to “strike the flint.”

Irreplaceable

To the left, to the left…

Have you heard this song by Beyonce? Irreplaceable?  Basically she is throwinng her cheating boyfriend out.  Asking if he really thought he was irreplaceable.  She says “I can have other you by tomorrow, so don’t you ever for a second get to thinking you are irreplaceable.” And as a woman who has been cheated on and thrown her husband out I loved it, at first.

One of the reasons I identify with many single mothers out there is we were all married to the same guy.  He cheated on us, abused us – physically or emotionally, had an addiction.  They may not share a name but they share a pattern of behavior, the same language.  Often he convinced us we were the problem, if only we worked harder he could be better.  And eventually we walked away, the final straw is different for each of us but it was broken.  Because this guy is easy replaced.

So as I have listened to this song something has begun to bother me.  And now I have put my finger on it.  I don’t want another guy like him.  I want a guy who treats me with respect.  I want a guy who can pick up the check at dinner.  I want a guy who sends flowers.  I want a guy who comes home at night and is happy to spend time together.  I want a guy to hold me when I’ve had a bad day and laugh with me at the good times.  I want a guy who is irreplaceable.

My Nights in Rodanthe

My plans for tonight fell threw, so I took myself to the movies.  I have been meaning to go see Nights in Rodanthe for quite some time.  I love Nicholas Sparks writing and I read the book while I was at the lake in August.  Basically the main character had recently been left by her husband.  She spends four nights falling in love with a stranger at the beach.  The next few months they correspond via love letters, planning their future together.  But before he can return to her, he is killed.

Ten years is a long time to stay in an unhealthy relationship.  Over the years I had begun to believe what ex would say.  No man but ex would ever put up with me.  No man but ex would ever be as good to me as he was.  No other man could ever love me.  Somehow I allowed myself to be convinced I was unlovable.  I didn’t love myself and that is perhaps the worst part.  The way I allowed him to rob me of my sense of self worth.  I lost myself and that is the greatest loss a person can suffer.

I see the two weeks I spent at the lake in August as my Nights in Rodanthe.  Only I wasn’t falling in love with a man, I was falling in love with myself.  I remembered why I deserved to be loved.  I remembered all the great things about me, all I have to offer.  I remembered the teenage girl who sat on the beach with her whole life ahead of her and began to get to know her again.

Soon after the divorce I adopted the mantra Don’t Settle, to remind myself I wouldn’t accept less than I deserved again.  But I think the main character said it best when she explained the love she had found to her daughter.  ”There’s a kind of love that makes you feel that anythings possible.  I want you to know that you can have that.”  And I can have that.