Leave me alone

Remember the guy I went out with a few times and there just weren’t any sparks?

Every couple of weeks since he will call.  We have a casual conversation and I do my best to discourage him from calling again. When he called last Tuesday I was done being nice about it. He said, “I don’t know why I keep calling, it’s not like you will go out with me.” I hate this because it embodies all the reasons I won’t go out with him. First, the statement is passive agressive and manipulative and I am not doing that again. Second, it’s asking me out without asking me out and I’m sorry I need a man who is a man and can ask without a net. Third, he asks this way because of his lack of confidence and that is just so unattractive on a man.

So finally I said, “Commish, here’s the thing. I am looking for a guy who can say, Elisabeth, I would really like to take you out Friday night, I’ll pick you up at 8.” And you know what? He started yelling at me. About how I’ve led him on and he’s going thru alot right now and he doesn’t need me tearing him down. And then he hangs up on me. I feel bad that I’ve hurt his feelings but hope this means he won’t be calling again. Only he calls an hour later! I don’t answer.

On Friday my best friend was in town and we hit the town. We had a great time. On our way home she drunk dials Commish. Leaves him a message saying she wishes he had gone out with us, she would have liked to meet him, blah, blah. Crap, she wasn’t supposed to encourage him!

Saturday morning my phone rings at 8:30, I don’t answer. He leaves a message, apparently he is really excited he has been “drunk called” and he apologises profusely for yelling at me and hanging up on me. Then Sunday night he calls again, again I send it to voicemail. This time he is angry, apparently he listened to the message and heard me laughing at him in the background. He doesn’t appreciate me or my friend calling him at 2 in the morning. He was singing a different tune yesterday. He has never been anything but nice to me. Yes, he’s been a nice stalker. He took me out on dates and paid for my dinner. Was he thinking he gets points for this? He has never treated me like I have kids. What the hell does that even mean?

And my favorite. He calls me a “redneck bitch” and ends with “never call me again.” I really hope this means he won’t be calling me again. Because seriously, he’s beginning to get a little scary.

Waiting for me

He called just as I was stepping off the plane, telling me he would be waiting in baggage claim. As I stepped onto the escalator and looked down I caught sight of him and I’m pretty sure I grinned. Like a scene from a movie he was waiting at the bottom, leaning on a support piller, looking very much the country boy. We greated each other and waited for my suitcase.  He carried my bags to the truck, loaded them in the back and we headed for the highway.

Typically the ride from the airport to my house takes an hour but he took the long way home.  It was the first time I had ever ridden anywhere with him. Conversation flowed, no awkward pauses. When we got to my house he carried in my bags and said he would come in a make sure there was no “boogey man or frozen pipes.”  There wasn’t, we stood in my kitchen talking and I asked him about a couple things I have been needing done around the house.  He said he’d be happy to take care of them, he’d call me to figure out a time to come over. We stood talking a little while longer until finally he left.

No physical contact. This. Whatever it is, is progressing slowly. But it is progressing. We talk, the Hunter and I, every couple of weeks on the phone. No pressure, no wondering when he will call, I’m just happy when he does. This offer to pick me up from the airport, it’s the next level for us, being in a car together. So we have moved to another level. And there is the anticipation of another face to face.

He is a true southern gentlman and he is so nice to me. We have both been hurt before. Deeply. We are both hesitant to get into something new. Slow, without expectations for the future. You will hear about him again I hope but probably not too soon.

Girls weekend

Here I sit, staring out the window of my brother’s apartment on Charles St.  That’s right, I am back in my favorite city - Boston.  For a girls weekend with my brother’s girlfriend.

On Saturday we went shopping on Newberry St. Then out with her friends, we hopped several bars before settling at Boston Beer Works – I am told this is the place to watch Red Sox games and hope to come back one day this summer to try it. And just like a scene from a movie towards the end of the night it started snowing. Together we walked down the sidewalk arms linked singing along to the music that wafted from the bar we were passing or laughing at a joke that is only funny after a night of drinking. 

Upon exiting our final bar after last call we noticed a driver beside a limo – and he offered us a ride. We could not pass up this opportunity up. And so we had a limo ride through the streets of my favorite city.

This morning we woke up to the sight of snow falling outside. We headed for the North Shore to meet a friend for dinner and on our way home more snow started falling. We had a great day and now we are sitting on the couch watching Sex in the City.

As a single mom you always have to be on for your kids. You always have to be available and able to change your direction at the drop of a hat. Your life is dictated by the needs of your children. This is my escape from that pressure, my outlet, my fissure. And this is just what I needed.

Tomorrow – mani and pedis. The perfect ending to my girls weekend.

Do you know what time it is?

Friday night my phone rang at 11 and woke me up.  I answered with “do you know what time it is?”

Have I mentioned Supplement Man before? We work out together a lot. Well rather I do cardio and watch as he lifts weights. And we talk while he takes breaks between lifts.  When I asked him once “I don’t remember you like this.” He told me he had gotten serious about weight lifting two years ago and started taking supplements. Because apparently this is necessary for the muscle definition he has – which by the way I do not find appealing. I like the kind of definition that hints “I could throw you over my shoulder and carry you upstairs to bed” not the kind that screams “look at me!”

This friendship on the whole is odd considering five years ago ex and I had to take this guy to court for a business deal gone bad. But after a few months of sharing the same space with stony silence I finally approached him and said “listen, I know you and ex had problems. But we’re divorced now and I’d really like it if we could be friends.” We both agreed it was water under the bridge and things have been friendly ever since.

Then the New Year hit and the gym got overrun by the resolutioners. And those of us who have been there week after week wait with our hands on our hips patiently to use the machines. So as I was waiting we started talking and he asked for my number. We have texted a couple of times – nothing big.  He’s a nice guy, single dad of a teenage daughter – widowed two years ago.

Then he calls Friday night at 11. He is just wondering what I’m doing, if I’m out, if he can join me. Really?`

Is it just me or is that a little crazy? Now I guess if I think about it, had it been a weekend without my kids I probably would have been out and wouldn’t have minded him meeting mewhere ever. But since we aren’t even friends enough for him to know I had my kids, don’t you think calling that late at night is crazy?  Maybe I’m over thinking this. Probably am. But still, it’s crazy, right?

Alone

I don’t have to tell you that one of the hardest parts of being a single mom is the night, right before you fall asleep, lying in bed, alone.  Sunday night in attempt to ward off the pain of my son being gone I let my girls curl up in bed with me.  We lay there, the three of us in our fleece pajamas and I stroked their hair as they drifted off to sleep.

And then it was me. All alone with my thoughts. No one to hold me close, stroke my hair and tell me everything would be alright.

Being a single mother you learn to rely on yourself a lot. And I have a great support system. I have my parents, my friends, my blogger friends. When I need someone to talk to I pick up the phone or start typing, usually.

It’s just these moments, in bed. When I reach across to the other pillow that’s empty. When I long to pour out my heart and be held by someone who loves me. When I dream wistfully for my happily ever after.

Coming home

My kids have been with their father for a week. He got the second half of their Christmas break.

They come home tonight. All but my son. He is staying with his father. Tomorrow he starts school in his new school district. I will see him every other weekend.

This is the right decision. For him. For my girls. For me.

But he won’t be coming home. He won’t be sleeping in his bed. I won’t get him up in the morning to get ready for school. He won’t be here when I get home from work.

My son. My first born. My baby.

And I feel so alone.

I don’t care

So a few days ago I dropped the bomb that ex and new wife are reading my blog. I just can’t even work up the energy to care. I’m not going to stop writing here. I have twice switched my blog address in the attempt to “hide” from them but apparently they still found it necessary to go looking for me. And I have connected with so many people out there I’m just tired of running.

Over Christmas my brother told me he had found the blog. He said the post about Grampy made him cry.  That really touched me to know that he had appreciated my writing. Blogging is cathartic to me. I used to journal but somehow putting it out there for “virtual strangers” to read is somehow, I’m not sure, more, something.

A few months ago ex said something about me dating and then says “I don’t care.” Later in the day he repeated again in his e-mail “I don’t care.” And later on the same day he said again, “I don’t care.” All three times unprompted by me. Every once in awhile he brings it up, just to let me know how happy he and new wife are and that he “doesn’t care.”  I have quit responding to it, what I really want to do is scream “care, don’t care, I really DON”T CARE, just leave me and my dating life alone.”

I don’t understand why he and new wife find it necessary to read my blog, look for me on facebook and who knows what else. But quite honestly I don’t care. Ex told me several months ago he was writing a blog – ask me if I even started looking for – go ahead, ask me. Umm… no… because I honestly DON”T CARE!!

So that’s it. Yes, ex and new wife are reading my blog but I am going to pretend I don’t know. It will probably always be there in the back of my mind, so I’m afraid there might be times I censor myself. But mainly I write for me and I’m going to keep writing for me.

**Oh, remember the firefighter in MY firefighter’s house who found this blog?  He’s been hurt, badly, please just keep him in your prayers. Thanks.