Fixing the chink

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming… or writing.  I apologise for putting a password on those posts but I needed to write them. I needed to be vulnerable and I needed to make sure I wasn’t offering up those weak spots to ex.  All that being said, I have shored up the break. I have patched the chink in my armour.

I won’t say it’s good to have let him hurt me again. I will say I appreciate the opportunity to take a look at what he used to hurt me and begin to examine in myself why it hurt me.

 

When I was married I wasn’t allowed to have friends. I can think of only two friends I was able to hold on to through my marriage to ex. How did he do that? Through constant mental and emotional battering. I actually didn’t really believe people would want to be friends with me.

 

The more I think about it, I love being friends with Hunter. I love our conversations, I love spending time with him and I love his friends and spending time with them. Now I know there are arguments to be made about whether or not guys and girls can be “just friends” but even if it cannot be this way forever I am going to enjoy it now. I like being able to look at Hunter and Recruiter and talk and laugh without having to worry about the other stuff.

 

And I almost let him do it again. I almost let ex’s glaringly incorrect conclusions about what I’ve said ruin my friendships. I almost turned and hid in my bedroom, not answering phone calls or e-mails from my friends because of those demeaning words ringing in my ears. I almost gave him that power. Almost.

 

Until I remembered how far I’ve come, how much I’ve learned. The reason I wasn’t allowed to have friends was because ex didn’t have friends, couldn’t be a friend. Oh the examples I could give – but I’m going to resist the temptation. And  remember that it doesn’t matter how much he laughs at me, I have time and truth on my side.

Protected: He still has power

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Protected: My Crazy Weekend

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Passwords

I know I said I was going to keep writing without censoring myself because of ex. But I cannot write these next posts with him being able to read them. I’m sorry. I am going to put a password on them and I will be happy to give you the password, simply comment on this post and I will e-mail you the password.

i heart you

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Naturally I love this holiday because I love hearts.  It may have something to do with the fact that I am a hopeless romantic. But I just love the shape.

Anyway… I went out with Hunter last night. It didn’t go well but he called me this morning. I’m still not really even sure what to make of it… more later when I can wrap my head around it. And it isn’t Valentine’s Day and I’m not upset he is out fishing. Oh and did I mention I met someone last night? Yeah… more later…

Small Town Talk

Monday night my daughter had a performance at school. Which means me, Hunter, ex and new wife, Hunter’s ex and her new husband were all in attendance. Suddenly the auditorium got a little smaller. Hunter and I didn’t sit together, he sat just in front of me. 

We talked until the performance started. During the performance he turned several times to play with my baby girl. Once he turned around and winked at me. At the end of the performance I retrieved both my daughter and his son. His son held my hand.

After the performance on my way home my phone rang off the hook. “What was happening between Hunter and I?” My favorite was my friend who happened to be standing and talking to Hunter when I walked in and he caught sight of me. She says he got an odd grin on his face and she followed his gaze to me. Several people made comments about ex and new wife but honestly they were very unkind comments about her personal appearance – I’ll just let you use your imagination.

Slow. Things are moving so slow. But did I mention he winked at me? And that I’m still giggling like a school girl!

First love and facebook

It was summer, I was thirteen and he had beautiful blue eyes.   I was staying with my grandparents and he lived down the street. He would come over and swim in the pool in my grandparents backyard. He is the first boy I really remember flirting with. And he is the first boy I ever kissed.
 
My grandparents were entertaining guests by the pool. Jeff asked me to meet him behind the hedge. There beside my grandparent’s driveway, hidden by the hedge, he leaned in and kissed me. It was everything you could ask for in a first kiss. I wouldn’t change a thing.  That was followed by several other kisses each time I visited my grandparents.
 
But things changed as the years passed. Jeff got into trouble, his parents moved away and I would only hear about him every couple of years when my grandmother would run into his mother.
 
Then last week I got a text message from my best friend that she had connected with an old boyfriend via the great social network that is facebook. I laughed and my thoughts immediately turned to Jeff. This week I decided to look for him. I typed in his name and up came quite a few matches but only one with those blue eyes.
 
A couple of clicks and it took less than 24 hours for him to accept my friend request.  The all important facebook question… relationship status…. single.
 
Just looking at his pictures I can feel the butterflies in my stomach. Those old feelings that would flood whenever I returned to my grandparents and picked up the phone to call him. Those blue eyes, they are the ones I see in my dreams.

Not a mistake

Tonight I went to dinner with a new friend.  She started talking about her childhood and I could not believe some of the things she had to deal with as a child. Growing up I led a fairly sheltered life, I just assumed every kid had two parents that loved them. Because as awkward as my parents sometimes were, I always knew they loved me.  Tonight as my friend sat across from me she recounted a childhood where her mother reminded her often she was a mistake, her mother never wanted a third child or a girl.

Ex and I had been separated almost a year when our baby was conceived. We never reconciled, he never moved back in, he was there for the birth but spent little time with her as an infant.  There are times when I kick myself for allowing the pregnancy but they don’t last long. The end result was my beautiful baby girl, with gorgeous blue eyes and the personality of an angel. She has a smile that will light up the room.

The first year of C’s life was my hardest year emotionally.  When my other children were spending the weekend with their dad C stayed home with me. I took her everywhere and everyone fell in love with her. When we were at home alone together we formed a bond that to me is immeasurable. In some of my darkest times I could look into the eyes of my baby and know there was a better life out there waiting for us. Whatever I give to her it cannot touch what she gives to me.

Yes, there are unplanned pregnancies. We didn’t intend to get pregnant. Surprise, yes. Mistake, no. How do you look into the eyes of a child and tell them they were a mistake? Her being here, her life, it isn’t a mistake. My baby or my friend.