Insecurity and Vulnerability

Last night Bobby and I took the girls to an outdoor concert. He is so good with my girls and so helpful to me. He pushed the stroller. He put the girls on his shoulders. He took them to get something to eat. He got them balloon animals. And when the night was over he held me in his arms and kissed me with all the passion a girl could hope for.

 

But this morning the magic of the night is gone. The harsh realities of life stare me in the face as I get the kids ready for school and go through my morning routine.

 

Opening up to someone new has made me vulnerable again. I have spent so long concentrating on not being vulnerable, this change of course is hard. It’s bringing a lot of my insecurities to the surface.

 

Ex told me so many times that no other man would ever treat me as well as he did. Bobby has proved that wrong. Ex told me that I was ugly. Since the divorce I’ve lost four dress sizes and spend time on my personal appearance that I didn’t use to. Ex used to say people didn’t really want to be my friend. Not only do I have my best friend back, I’ve made wonderful new friends. Ex told me that no man would ever love me. He’s wrong. I know he’s wrong. But that small voice in my head can still hear the whispers.

 

Bobby does so many little things to show he cares. But instead of reveling in them, I stress about the little things he doesn’t do.

 

I know that insecurity is unattractive in a person. I know that the issues I’m having have nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. When I’m with him I try so hard to hold back the crazy me and show him the healthy me. I try hard not to overthink. I try to just relax and enjoy. I try.

 

But this morning. This morning I’m feeling vulnerable. This morning I’m scared. And this morning I needed to say that out loud.

I let him in

When my marriage failed I was devastated. My heart was broken. You don’t just forget that kind of pain. The pain dulls, your heart heals but you can remember how bad it hurts to hurt. And you never want to hurt like that again.

And now I’m alone. And I’m lonely. And I’m ready to start dating again. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

And I’ve met someone.

I like spending time with him. I like camping with him. I like watching him with my kids. I like the way my heart skips a beat when his name comes up on my caller ID. I like him.

Yesterday when he got to my house he kissed me and then he held me. And then he let me drive his truck. His big, redneck truck. At dinner he ordered for me. And by the time he left last night I realised that I had let him in. To my heart.

And now I’m scared. Because I let him in to my heart, a heart that knows what it feels like to be broken. A heart that can remember the pain. And I’m scared. Because I let him in.

Famous Last Words

You know how I said that Bobby wasn’t my Mr. Right? And told you about those reasons we couldn’t date?

I had those reasons all laid out in my head. They were the defenses I was using to protect my heart. And they were legitimate, had they been true. The problem was I did a lot of listening to the wrong people.

On Friday I met my father at an outdoor festival for dinner. I ran into a girl I knew in high school, who is dating a good friend of Bobby’s. She asked me how things were going, when I hestitated they began talking about Bobby and the great guy he is. Then on Saturday one of my girlfriends had a party, turns out her sister knows Bobby and thinks he is a great guy. She said “I love the idea of you and Bobby together, you two are both such great people, you deserve each other.”

So on our my home at 2:30 in the morning, I sent Bobby a simple text message “I miss you.”

I didn’t have to wait long for him to respond. I invited him over for dinner on Sunday and we had a great time, talking and laughing together. We went for a walk. And he kissed me. And fireworks exploded, right there in my living room.

Is Bobby my Mr. Right? Is he IT for me? I don’t know but I’m going to have fun finding out.

The camping fallout

I knew it was coming. It started the moment I drove away on Sunday. But what I couldn’t foresee was the reason for the fall out.

We had a great time. I had so much fun sitting around the campsite. The kids played at the playground, shopped at the camp store. We played “redneck horseshoes” and sat around under the awning of the camper drinking beer and talking. We worked together at mealtimes - Bobby cooked on the grill and I fixed  the rest. And we talked and there were times I think Bobby let his guard down and I could see the guy beneath the tough exterior.

So why did the tears begin to flow as I drove away? I didn’t know to be honest with you. It took me a few days just to put my thoughts together and sort through my feelings.

The conclusion I’ve come to, the reason I’m upset, is that we had so much fun. Really, Elisabeth, how is having fun a problem? Because it wasn’t real, it was just an illusion. The truth is this weekend shined a light on what’s missing in my life – a partner. Someone to fill the traditional role of a man in my life. Someone to share the day to day chores and joys of life with. For two days we were playing at “happy family” and I loved it.

The truth is that Bobby is not my Mr. Right, he isn’t IT for me, for a number of tangible reasons.

Most days I’m okay with being single, most days I can do it myself, most days I’m happy in my role of single mom. But some days I just wish there was someone on my side, someone to light the grill, stand up for me when the kids talk about stepmom and someone to answer the call to go pick up the kids from the playground when it starts raining.

I’m not saying I need a man to complete me, I’m just saying it was nice to have one to compliment me.

The great outdoors

Have you ever done the wrong thing for the right reasons?

The kids and I are camping for the weekend. The kids are having a great time – I knew they would. They are playing with other kids, walking to the playground, roasting s’mores and watching movies on a sheet another campsite has set up.

So what is the problem? The friend we are camping with? The relationship is complicated. We aren’t dating but we aren’t just friends. Last weekend he was saying he wanted to go camping and I knew my kids would love it – on the surface it seems simple. But things are never simple when you’re a single mom.

When you’re a single mom you worry that your kids will get attached to a man who they may never see again. You smile when they call him Uncle Bobby and your heart breaks a little knowing how badly they want you to be dating.

I want so badly to just sit back and enjoy our time here in the great outdoors. But all I can think about is the fallout next week.