Healthy growth

I wish I could tell you I’m doing better since the break up. The truth? When Bobby called this weekend inviting me to a cookout at his friends house I went. I had a great time, enjoyed the company but spent the night “playing” his girlfriend. I settled at his side with the familiarity of an intimate relationship.

One thing I promised myself after ex was that I wouldn’t settle. As great a guy as Bobby was is, staying with him would be settling. My friends have had to put up with numerous phone calls from me this week. “Tell me I did the right thing. Tell me I need to stay away from him. Tell me he isn’t it for me.”

Sunday morning, when the harsh light of day was slapping me in the face I began chatting with my cousin. Peter is my age, single, never be married but he’s ready to be settled. He just cannot find the right girl. We were discussing the conventional wisdom and how you follow it practically. You know how people who are in a relationship tell you, “It will happen when you least expect it.” “Quit looking, love will find you.” What they never tell you is how to stop the ache of loneliness.

I am grateful for my time with Bobby. Dating him helped me expose some scars I had and healing I still had to do. Dating him helped motivate me into looking forward at my future. It was a growing experience my time with him but it’s time to cut ties, move forward alone. Why is that so much easier said than done?

Trashy Women

A: OMG! Did you see the way that girl just looked at you. She looked you up and down and rolled her eyes.

Elisabeth: I know. She doesn’t like me, she thinks I’m trashy for having (insert number here) kids.

A: How many kids does she have?

Elisabeth: Three, but they all have a different baby daddy. She married the last one, only he has always had a crush on me, since we were little kids.

A: I love this town.

He isn’t Mr. Right

We broke up. I had written about all the reasons we cannot be together. I wrote the post, I just couldn’t put it up. I spent last week in tears, my head knowing we shouldn’t be together but my heart longing to hear the sound of his voice.

For the last 6 weeks when I left work on Friday he would call and we would finalize our plan for the night. This Friday afternoon all I could do was cry, I missed him. I  made plans to meet my mother for some shopping therapy and then I was going out dancing with my girlfriends. I was sitting at the table, having dinner with my mother when he called. For a moment I tried to ignore it but I couldn’t.

“I miss you.”

We had made plans for the weekend, before the breakup. There was an all weekend party at his friends house and we were supposed to be there together, now he was there alone. He wanted me to come to the party.

“Okay… no… I just don’t know…”

I went. All the reasons I care about him, they are still there. But all the reasons we cannot be together, they are still there.  He doesn’t fit into my world. And I don’t fit in his.

My head knows it’s best this way, I need to stay away from him. But my heart keeps reminding me how good he was to me, how good he was to the kids. How do I convince my heart to follow my head?

Damaged goods

We went on our first date Friday night. We sat on the same side of the booth at this little hole in the wall place he loves. We talked, held hands under the table and found we have the same taste in seafood. The night was magic. He told me that I mean a lot to him and I echoed those feelings.

Then Saturday afternoon we sat on my couch and he backed out of plans for the night. His back hurt, it had been hurting all week. It shouldn’t have been a big deal. But those scars from years of disappointment and lies from ex reared their ugly head and I completely over reacted.  Bobby called me on it, told me I was being a baby and started to leave. He was right and I started to calm down but the damage had been done. Those ugly scars had been exposed.

He didn’t call Sunday. He called Monday and I apologised for my behavior. We talked and I thought things had been smoothed over. But he still hasn’t called. I can’t call him, I’m too afraid of those scars.

I’ve spent a year watching the scars heal. I’ve spent a year growing personally. I’ve spent a year building friendships and relationships. I’ve spent a year learning to be healthy again. And I’m doing pretty good.

But as much as I’ve healed I will never be the person I was before ex broke me. I will never be as strong as I was before the damage was done.

Now I’m afraid Bobby has discovered I’m damaged goods and maybe I’m not worth the effort. I’m trying so hard to remember that if he doesn’t think I’m worth the effort, then he isn’t worth the tears. I’m trying hard not to let the scars define me.

This post-divorce dating is scary. I’m scared. And I don’t know how not to be.

Walk this way

Last night I indulged my teenage self once again and drove two hours to meet my good friend for a New Kids on the Block concert. Our teenage selves screamed and danced and had a fantastic time. But the highlight of my night was the bouncer I ran into before the concert…

Bouncer to Little Country Girl: “Girl, I am going to need you to turn around and walk away. Then walk right back over here to me.”