forgets sometimes and looks back…

I care about him. As much as he has hurt me, as many times as we have tried walking away from each other, as much as I know he cannot be my future. I still cannot seem to say goodbye.

We were sitting on bar stools, side by side. Circumstances had drawn us together at a smokey little home town bar. Whispering and laughing, we sat with our heads together. And then he kissed me. Those old feelings, as much as I have tried to fight them, are not gone. I stood and walked toward the door, not looking back as he called. I couldn’t, walking away from him was already too hard.

I was lying in bed when I heard the familiar sound of his truck in my driveway just an hour later. I met him at the door but didn’t have the strenth to send him away. It feels right, to have him there, in my home, in my kitchen.

He opened my frig to find a beer that wasn’t his brand. It wasn’t his business whose it was but still he asked. There have been other guys, who have pressed their lips to mine but there hasn’t been another in my bed, in my heart.

He was sorry for the way he treated me, for the things he had done, I deserve much better. I listened to the words I had longed to hear. I didn’t respond, there was no response I could give. “Can we try again? Can we start dating again?” Again I kept silent. It was everything my heart wanted and nothing my head would let me take. ”Bobby…” He knew the answer, knew tonight would be all I could give and he kissed me.

In the morning, when he was gone, I cried. This man that holds my heart does not hold my future. I have come so far, I cannot go back but sometimes I forget and look back, just for a moment.

You’re a good man Charlie Brown

Today I said goodbye to a man I have admired since my youth. Charlie practically built my small towns little league program from the ground up. He served his country in the Army. He was a strong Christian, with a solid faith. He loved his family and he loved his wife.

The service was beautiful. People stood up to tell stories to attest to his character, his daughter in-law spoke of a man who loved.

Then they rolled pictures. And my tears began to roll.

There were pictures of him when he was younger, when he met his wife, when his children were little, when they got married, when his grandchildren were born. Throughout the show what I noticed the most, the genuine smile when he looked at his wife.

That is what strikes me. You can tell me how great his service to his country was, how great his contribution to society was, how much he loved his children and grandchildren. And that is all impressive. But what hits me, what really speaks to me -this man loved his wife.

They were married for 45 years and still he smiled when he looked at her. Their pastor told a story of waiting with Charlie during his wife’s major surgery several months ago. Charlie did not pass the time talking sports – he’s a baseball fanatic – or making small talk, he told the pastor about his wife. He told her stories about them when they were younger, about the kind of mother she was and finally he confessed, “she is my life, I cannot lose her.” He didn’t, instead she lost him, suddenly, with only a few weeks warning. Perhaps God knew it was Charlie who had to leave us first.

As a woman who walked into the service with a hurting heart, I left with hope that out there are men who know how to love. So thank you. You were a good man Charlie Brown.

Note to self

My dear heart-

I know you are hurting. And so for that reason I won’t lecture. I will leave that for another day.

You are a hopeless romantic. You cry at sappy movies. You see the best in people. You trust until it is broken. You give until it is taken for granted. You hope for the best until the worst is realised. You see the glass half full.

And I wouldn’t change that about you. It makes you who you are. It makes you special.

That is the thing I want you to remember most. You are special. You are a catch. You are the mom who volunteers to be the room mom. You are the girl who makes friends with the bank teller. You are the girl who is sitting in the pew on Sunday morning, even if you’re sitting alone. You are the girl who your friends can depend on. You are the girl who hears music in her head and dances in the middle of the grocery store aisle. You are THAT girl.

My dear heart, trust yourself. When there are warning signs – heed them. When you see writing on the wall – read it. When you start to settle – remember where that got you last time.

Because heart, I do not want to see you broken again. I have seen the pain of true heart break. I know what it did to you, to us. I want so much for us. I want to be happy, both of us. I don’t want to be alone forever either but I’m also not willing to settle for anything less than someone who sees us for the special catch we are. I’m grateful we know the truth and can move on.

But for now I will just say I’m sorry you’re hurting my dear heart.

With warm regards,

The brains of this operation