Best Days of Your Life

Have you heard this song by Kellie Pickler? You really should listen!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xd7l7_D0y-k

Sorry I couldn’t get it to embed.

Tonight as I was putting sponge curlers in my daughters hair this song was playing. She says, “mom, I don’t understand this song.”

I explained, “it’s a girl telling a boy who has left her – your days with me were the best days of your life – but you left me, so the best days of your life are over.”

She says, “oh like the best days of Daddy’s life were with you but now they are over?”

Oh internet, out of the mouthes of babes!

Small town Saturday night

I started my Saturday night at a friend’s 30th surprise birthday party. She was completely surprised and the party was a lot of fun. I got to see some friends I hadn’t seen in awhile. As the party wound down a guy I knew from high school asked if I’d like to head over to another party with him. To sweeten the deal he offered to let me drive his truck, for me that’s an offer I can’t refuse.

 

Let me take just a moment to introduce Keith. I have known Keith since middle school but we never ran in the same circles. The weird part is that a month ago while I was looking at old yearbooks with a friend my thoughts lingered on him, for no explicable reason. So when I looked up and saw him at the birthday party it was uncanny.

 

The second party was huge. It was a great place for a party. It was on a farm out behind the house. There were people in the barn, out in the field, people had pitched tents, pulled over their campers. I ran into tons of people I knew and with the keys in my pocket I was fine when our conversations took Keith and I in different directions. Occasionally he would bring me a drink or check on me, it was nice.

 

As the night wore on there was another guy hitting on me. When he wouldn’t take no for an answer I made my way back to Keith, threaded my arm around his waist and whispered “help”. Understanding he put his arm around my shoulder. When the guy winked at me from across the room, Keith gave him the “she’s with me” guy stare. Sigh… there’s just something about a man who will come to your rescue.

 

After we left the party we drove around for a little while talking. He says, “I saw you at the *** Festival. You looked beautiful but I didn’t think you’d talk to me.” Then he says, “I saw you up at the school with your daughters, you’re such a good mom.” I realised he had seen me a lot over the last year without ever approaching me. It wasn’t creepy or stalkerish, it was flattering.

 

Finally we ended up back at my house at four in the morning. Not wanting the night to be over but not willing to invite him in, we sat on my back porch. We talked for another hour and he asked, “will you give me your number?” He added my number to his phone and then stood up. He headed for his truck before turning around and saying “can I kiss you?” I looked up, he leaned down and gave me the sweetest kiss. Not too short but not pushing for anything more. Then he got in his truck and drove away.

 

Oh, internet. My life. I love it.

 

And BFF, please don’t freak out when I tell you who “Keith” really is.

Back to school

I dropped out of college after my sophomore year. I was ready to get married and start a family. I was 19, what did I know?

A few months ago Bobby had to go see a lawyer about something. He came over later that afternoon, sat on my sofa and said, “this woman is kick ass. She takes no prisoners and she knows her shit.”  What he said kindled a longing in me I had long since suppressed.

That’s who I wanted to be. As a little girl growing up I wanted to be a lawyer, I was going to go to Harvard Law School, following in my grandfather’s footsteps. I always wanted people to say that very thing about me. For the next couple of weeks I kicked around what he had said in my head.

Then I started saying it out loud to friends. To my surprise they were encouraging, they believed I could do it. I could go back to college, finish my bachelors and go to law school. The more I said it out loud the more I began to believe in myself.

It was too late to be a transfer student at nearby university, so I enrolled at the local community college. I actually took a class with them the summer between my freshman and sophomore year. Since I am already on file under my maiden name, to change that I have to take the proof of my name change into the office. I did not go back to my maiden name legally but it just seems fitting to take the classes under my old name. An added bonus from fate.

I was originally supposed to take two classes but had to drop one due to circumstances beyond my control. So starting Thursday I am officially a college student again. I’m nervous and excited. In two days I will walk back into a class room and for the first time in 13 years I will be a student. Now I just have to figure out what to wear!

The top of the ferris wheel

Every year the county fair comes to my small town. This year my father was invited to opening night and took one of my daughters, the other was sick so she and I stayed home. So Friday night I took her to the fair by herself. The first ride she wanted to go on had a sign that said “no single riders”. Not to be deterred she asks another girl standing near by if she would like to ride with her. And off they go.

Kids being kids, the girls spent most of the night together.

Did I mention that the other little girl was there with her single father? So most of my night was spent talking with this single father while the girls went through the fun house, rode on cars and buses and dragons, slid down the big slide and went round and round on the swings.

Toward the end of the night the girls stood in line for the ferris wheel, single dad turns to me and says “would you like to ride?” I said yes and he went and bought us tickets. 

We got to the top of the ferris wheel and it stopped to let other passengers on or off and I looked around. It was one of those “I’m the king of the world” moments. One of those, I am a single mom and life is great moments. From the top of the ferris wheel, looking out over my hometown, sitting beside a guy I had only just met – with our girls giggling in the car behind us.

Unfortunately at the end of the night as he was asking me for my number the girls were dragging us in opposite directions.

So internet I’m posing this question to you. I know where he works – he is the manager at a store I love and shop in frequently – only I usually shop at a different one – the one where he works is only 5 minutes from where I work. He did tell me I should stop by and take advantage of his discount. Would it be weird for me to stop by and give him my number? I have several pictures I took of the girls, I thought I would print one out and put my number on the back?

A year later

A few weeks our little country girl returned to the scene of the crime. That’s right, I was back on the shores of Lake Champlain.

 

But this year was different. It was different because I was different.

 

Last year I arrived at the lake simply existing, surviving day to day. One our drive to the lake this incredible feeling came over me, I just knew something great was about to happen. I can still remember that moment, standing in the parlor of the main house when in walked four of the hottest guys I had ever seen in my entire life. That moment forever changed the course of this little country girl’s life, when an adorable member of the FDNY proved just how much fun life could be.

 

I left vowing to start living and enjoying life. When I got home I started blogging here, chronicling all the things I was doing to starting living life. It has been a good year – no, a fantastic year, a fun year.

 

This year when I arrived at the lake I sat in the parlor of the main house pondering the events of this last year of my life. And even with all that fun I still find myself searching for something. Direction. I realised the next step in my journey was to begin making goals for myself. I have spent a lot of time avoiding thoughts of the future… because… well, honestly… there is no man in my life and thoughts of a future alone were just too hard to face.

 

It was my relationship with Bobby that finally got me thinking about my future. It’s time to start making plans for the future of me and my kids, not just wait around for a man to fix things.

 

Last night someone said to me “I didn’t even recognise you.” It’s really no wonder, there have been large physical changes. But the biggest changes have been on the inside. As time has healed my pride, my self esteem, my heart, I have seen the return of my smile, my laugh, me.

So another year, another new chapter. I’ve got some exciting things coming this fall and so much to share about my summer. Come back soon…

The other woman

My girlfriend called me this morning with the starteling revelation that she thinks her husband is cheating. When she started going into detail of why she thinks this my heart broke for her. Because she’s right, the signs are there. She knows the truth even if she’s still kidding herself with her husband’s cover stories. (No judgement because I have been there.)

The other thing that surprises me is who he’s cheating with. The other woman, Jennifer, left her husband, Robert, several months ago. Robert is a good friend of my younger brother, so I called my brother immediately. He wasn’t surprised apparently Robert was not exactly a faithful husband. (Small towns – gotta love ‘em.) Are you keeping up?

Anyway. The part that frustrates me the most is that Jennifer was cheated on. She knows how it feels. And she’s willing to help put another woman through that pain. That sense of rejection, the blow to your self esteem, that misery that comes when you find out the person you love is cheating on you? How do you do that to someone else? Now please know that I am not letting my friend’s husband off the hook. Ultimately he is the one causing his wife pain, he is the one who pledged himself to her. But Jennifer, allowing herself to be involved in the destruction of another family? When her’s was so recently destroyed by the same thing?

I just don’t get it. I probably never will.

Living with loss

On Tuesday I was sitting in a restaurant in an airport when I felt the pain of the loss of my ex. Not the loss of my partner, not the loss of the kids father, not the pain of being alone. The actual pain of losing ex, the man, himself. Looking back on the moment I can see the contributing factors, it was like a perfect storm.

My eyes filled with tears. All the reasons that I loved him flooded me, in waves, I remembered the good times. They were few and far between but they existed. And instead of fighting it, I just let it come. The sensation of loss for my ex now feels so foreign to me, I barely recognised it. The pain lasted only a few moments and passed as quickly as it came on.

These days I rarely think of ex as anything other than the father of my children and most days we are adversaries. I rarely feel pain when I consider the loss of ex and I am truely grateful to be out of my marriage. But I loved and I lost and the fact that I still occasionally feel the pain of loss doesn’t make me weak. It makes me me.

Healthy growth

I wish I could tell you I’m doing better since the break up. The truth? When Bobby called this weekend inviting me to a cookout at his friends house I went. I had a great time, enjoyed the company but spent the night “playing” his girlfriend. I settled at his side with the familiarity of an intimate relationship.

One thing I promised myself after ex was that I wouldn’t settle. As great a guy as Bobby was is, staying with him would be settling. My friends have had to put up with numerous phone calls from me this week. “Tell me I did the right thing. Tell me I need to stay away from him. Tell me he isn’t it for me.”

Sunday morning, when the harsh light of day was slapping me in the face I began chatting with my cousin. Peter is my age, single, never be married but he’s ready to be settled. He just cannot find the right girl. We were discussing the conventional wisdom and how you follow it practically. You know how people who are in a relationship tell you, “It will happen when you least expect it.” “Quit looking, love will find you.” What they never tell you is how to stop the ache of loneliness.

I am grateful for my time with Bobby. Dating him helped me expose some scars I had and healing I still had to do. Dating him helped motivate me into looking forward at my future. It was a growing experience my time with him but it’s time to cut ties, move forward alone. Why is that so much easier said than done?

Trashy Women

A: OMG! Did you see the way that girl just looked at you. She looked you up and down and rolled her eyes.

Elisabeth: I know. She doesn’t like me, she thinks I’m trashy for having (insert number here) kids.

A: How many kids does she have?

Elisabeth: Three, but they all have a different baby daddy. She married the last one, only he has always had a crush on me, since we were little kids.

A: I love this town.

He isn’t Mr. Right

We broke up. I had written about all the reasons we cannot be together. I wrote the post, I just couldn’t put it up. I spent last week in tears, my head knowing we shouldn’t be together but my heart longing to hear the sound of his voice.

For the last 6 weeks when I left work on Friday he would call and we would finalize our plan for the night. This Friday afternoon all I could do was cry, I missed him. I  made plans to meet my mother for some shopping therapy and then I was going out dancing with my girlfriends. I was sitting at the table, having dinner with my mother when he called. For a moment I tried to ignore it but I couldn’t.

“I miss you.”

We had made plans for the weekend, before the breakup. There was an all weekend party at his friends house and we were supposed to be there together, now he was there alone. He wanted me to come to the party.

“Okay… no… I just don’t know…”

I went. All the reasons I care about him, they are still there. But all the reasons we cannot be together, they are still there.  He doesn’t fit into my world. And I don’t fit in his.

My head knows it’s best this way, I need to stay away from him. But my heart keeps reminding me how good he was to me, how good he was to the kids. How do I convince my heart to follow my head?