Archive for August, 2008

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Mommy’s Maintenance Man

August 30, 2008

One of my favorite single mommy bloggers asked recently if as a single mother we employed a “maintenance man.”  Read here not for actual handy man work around the house, more for in the bedroom. The thing is I have him, I just don’t “employ” him for that.

We have talked about it forever, flirted around, there are nights I have been tempted but I’ve never actually made that late night call.  One of the regrets I had when I got married was never sleeping with Davis.  I’ve known him since 8th grade and even back in high school we were dancing around the idea.

So what’s the problem?  Why not just satisfy the curiosity?  Our families are friends.  I don’t do casual sex.  I’m not sure I could walk away without emotional attachment.  And much as I love Davis, I love him for what he is – that guy.  You know, captain of the football team in high school, successful after but never settled down.  Still playing the field and leaving a trail of broken hearts in his wake.  The honest truth of the matter is that I like being the one girl in this town who had turned him down. 

I call Davis when I need him.  Like after an argument with Mr. Ex I didn’t want to face him alone the next morning at our daughter’s softball game.  So 9 o’clock on a Saturday morning I drug Davis out of bed onto the softball field.  He played it like a dream and made Mr. Ex crazy. 

He’s great.  We flirt, we play, we don’t cross that line.  But I’ve always wondered if it would be worth it.  Fantasises about him got me through some pretty lonely nights during the separation.  I’m a little afraid reality couldn’t live up to the hype.

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Boston

August 26, 2008
I think I’ll go to Boston,  I think I start a new life,  
I think I’ll start it over, where no one knows my name… 
I think I’ll go to Boston, I think that I’m just tired,
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind…

A few years ago my brother had a bad break up and he moved to Boston.  He got a fresh start.  Several years before that a friend of mine decided to go back to law school and she went to Long Island.  She got her fresh start.  I envy them.

I need fresh start.  After 10 years of an unhealthy marriage and a painful divorce I need a fresh start.   The difference is, I’m a single mother with my children depending on me.  Please don’t get me wrong, I love my kids but there are days that it’s overwhelming.  There are so many changes I want to make but it’s complicated. 

I have lived in the same small town since I was 4.  I know a lot of people and a lot of people know me and my business.  As a social person I enjoy running into people I know, I have a lot of friends.  But sometimes it can be suffocating.  Recently I dated a guy I have known since middle school and when it didn’t work out it created some awkward situations.

Maybe it’s because of the great time I had with the New York City firefighters I have this romantic idea of moving to New York City and getting a fresh start.  Moving to a big city where no one knows me and starting over.  People who didn’t know me when I was so overweight, people who don’t know about my divorce, people who don’t know who my father is.

I’m not moving.  I can’t move, my kids are happy here, my parents are close by to help with the kids and my ex is close enough to take the kids on the weekends.  But there are times I think about it, dream about it, what I could do if this responsibility didn’t sit on my shoulders.

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One Amazing Night

August 24, 2008

I arrived at the main house on our summer property to find people gathering in the parlor around a fire.  The guys staying there sang and danced, entertaining us all.  As the night wound down it was me and three guys sitting around the fire. 

Fireman and I had been flirting all night.  Finally he looks at me and says “Let’s play hide and seek.  When you find me I’ll get naked.”  Now I have to tell you, I’m not sure it was because I am so naive or because I had been drinking most of the night but the last part of that statement flew right over my head.  The first time he went to hide I got lost in conversation with the other two guys and forgot to go find him.  He came back in, sat beside me and said “I thought you were going to come find me.”  We decided he should go hide again. 

This time I did go find him.  And he says “Alright, should I get naked?”  I swear to you this is the first time I realised his intention.  Have you ever been faced with a decision like this?  I asked him for a moment and walked down the hall.  I went to war with myself.  This is not me, casual sex with a virtual stranger.  On the other hand I had spent the last week realising I took life to seriously, worried too much about future consequences.  I went back, lead him into a bedroom with pretty significant sentimental value for me and shut the door.

Now what happened behind that door will stay there.  It was amazing.  And I am counting on the memory of that night to get me through some pretty lonely nights ahead.  It was the right decision for me, saying yes, letting go, enjoying the moment.

In the days since that night I have been expecting regrets, they haven’t come.  What I have found is my outlook on life has changed.  No longer do I see myself as a disgarded woman, I have been funny, danced with strangers, held my own against eight New York City Firefighters and had amazing sex with one of the best looking guys I have ever met.  All this from one night?  You think I’m putting too much significance on Fireman?

It isn’t really about him.  I probably will never see him again, he is a New York City firefighter and I am a little country girl.  But he changed my life.  That one night changed my whole view of myself.  It’s funny to think one chance meeting with a stanger could help rebuild my self respect and self value but it did.  He has given me something I couldn’t find on my own.

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Elisabeth

August 24, 2008

In high school I used to say I am a sweet innocent angel.

A lot has changed in the last 14 years.  I’m not as innocent as I used to be.  Time has changed me.  When I look at myself a year ago I barely recognise her.  I spent 10 years trying to be the woman my husband wanted me to be.  It didn’t work and in the end even I didn’t recognise myself.

I’m on my way back.  I’m getting to the place were I can look in the mirror and smile at me again. 

I’m on a journey.  One that started a year ago when I pulled myself from the unhealthy life where my ex-husband lives and finalized my divorce.  I’m looking for the girl I used to be, I don’t think I’ll ever be her again but I’m still not quite sure who I want to be.  This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint, but it’s time to start moving forward again.

Thanks for reading.