Archive for December, 2008

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The Cat is Out of the Bag

December 31, 2008

My friend knows.

Ex is officially reading this blog.

And David is coming over this weekend.

2009 here I come. Seriously.

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Check this girl out

December 29, 2008

This morning I got home at 8:30 after getting a few hours of sleep at a friends house.  I needed to leave in 45 minutes to meet my mother. I jumped in the shower, dressed quickly and off I went.

My mom asked me a few days ago to go shopping at the nearby city’s outlet shopping mall. It takes about an hour and half to get there, so we don’t go all that often.  I met my mom, we had breakfast, we made a couple stops along the way and arrived at the outlets shortly after lunchtime.  We spent the first hour and half with her trying on clothes at the Liz Claiborne store.  I tried sticking with her, watching her try on clothes but after the first hour I was beginning to feel the lack of sleep, the alcohol I drank last night and my lack of patience with her shopping style.

When we left that store we split up. I could not handle any more together time watching my mom try on clothes! So I began walking the sidewalk, headed for my favorite children’s clothing store, passing shoppers who were just strolling.  As I came up behind these two guys one turns, catches sight of me and I hear him say, “check this girl out,” as I walked past them.

Now I could go on about how battered my self esteem was after 10 years of an unhealthy marriage. About how my ex getting remarried not even a full month after our divorce was a real blow to my self image.

I could but let me just say this. Today I was tired, hungover, wearing a t-shirt and jeans and spent little time getting ready.  And this guy with four simple words just made my day.

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The special day

December 24, 2008

On this day 32 years ago I was born.

As a girl growing up I always figured by this age I would be happily married, 2.5 children, big house, stay at home mom. It’s funny, that’s what I always thought I needed to be happy. While I was going through my separation and divorce I just didn’t see how I would be happy without those things.

This last year has been a year of self discovery.  I have learned to be happy as a single woman.  Early this year my brother, shortly after changing his facebook status from single to in a relationship, told me to embrace being single.  He told me to enjoy it. And I took him seriously. 

I began to get out. I got a night life (when my kids were with their Dad). I reconnected with old friends and made new ones. I went on vacation by myself. I learned to flirt again. I learned to dance. I let go of the idea that being divorced was somehow my failure.  I lost weight. I had a one night stand with a firefighter. I found closure to my marriage. I learned to drink beer. I took the T by myself. I went to the movies by myself. I sat at a bar by myself. I let go and enjoyed life.

Thanks for joining me along the way. It’s been a good year, I’ve had fun sharing it with you. I’m counting on the next year to be even better. I think there are good things in store for me.

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My weird week

December 22, 2008

This week has been a week of strange coincidences strung together.

Remember my friends F & E? I have decided F needs a name because you will probably be hearing about him in the future, so from now on he will be Hunter. He and I spent an hour on the phone Tuesday night and he made me laugh.  It was one of the best conversations I have had in a long time. He and I are able to just talk and talk about anything. 

On Wednesday I went for lunch with the ladies from the office. When I pulled into the parking lot, you will never believe who was getting out of his truck for lunch. Well of course you have guessed internet – Hunter. He was with a friend and his 3 year old son. I sat trying to pay attention to the conversation at my table but couldn’t because all I could think about was Hunter only a few feet away. Finally his friend answered his phone and I sauntered over to the table to talk with Hunter. The friend gets off the phone immediately and proceeds to flirt shamelessly. So Hunter says “this is the girl I was telling you I talked to last night.” Okay internet, do you realise he was talking to his friend about me?

Then Thursday and Friday I saw him at school while we were there for our kids Christmas parties. (Their school spreads the parties out for the different grades, so we both ended up with parties on two days.) We have talked about going out for New Years – and he has promised to call.

I also had a very interesting conversation with Davis this week. We have been talking pretty regularly lately trying to get together with the plans not working out for one reason or another. I have been in love with Davis since high school. I cannot imagine my life without his friendship, and this week I came to the hard realisation that means I cannot sleep with him. It would always be more to me than it was to him and eventually it would end badly. So friendship it is for us, well that and the very fun jokes and innuendo.

Oh and I got a very weird threat from ex. It’s just odd and so basically I have to decide if I continue to do the right thing or react vindictively against his crappy BS.  High road it is but still I just have to laugh.  He lives in his own warped worldand I’m thanking my stars I am not his roommate there any longer.

Then there was Friday night…  Umm… Well, I will try and post about that tomorrow. I am still processing the events.

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My Heart Hurts

December 11, 2008

First let me thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers on Tuesday night.  I was able to keep my cool and respond to ex in the manner I wanted.  I was also able to hold my tongue when necessary.  And I didn’t cry once.  So that part went well.

But the truth was we were discussing the details of my son going to live with his father.  Son wants to go live with his father.  He is unhappy in my house.  It’s hard for him, going through puberty in a house full of girls.  He needs a man’s direction, discipline.  And he thinks living with Daddy will solve all this problems.  It won’t.  But try explaining that to a rebellious tween.

Last week I began conceding to myself that it may be time to consider letting him go live with his Dad.   Tuesday night ex and I sat down to talk about it and see if we could agree on the changes in visitation, child support, etc.  We came pretty close to agreeing on just about everything.  For the most part ex is being reasonable.  And I think we have come to a compromise that everyone can agree on.

Don’t get me wrong, ex had some way off base ideas.  He proved several times that he lives in this warped world where he can justify his irrational behavior.  At one point he was making his argument and as I listened I began to laugh.  He really, honestly believes the crap he shovels.  Like his arguments that any sane person could see the holes in are airtight.  My lawyer keeps telling me the judge would laugh him out of court if he tried to pull this crap in court.  But I would prefer to stay out of court.  The way I see it, anytime ex and I can work together without involving the court it is better for the kids.

At one point in the conversation he let it slip that he had looked into something in his local court system.  Later in the conversation I said something about “my lawyer…”  Ex says, “Why would you get the court involved?  We need to do whats in the best interest of the kids.”  (umm… hello, do you not remember that you have talked to a lawyer as well… pot… kettle…)  And I said, “I simply need to make sure my interests are protected.”  And he says with this lofty superior attitude, “I’m looking out for the kids interests.”  As if to say I’m not.  This is when I have to look away so I don’t burst into fits of laughter.  Is that a joke? 

But I digress… For the most part we agree on things.  And what we don’t agree on I can live with.  So after Christmas break son will stay with ex and start school at a new school.

There you have it, my head has it figured out.  This is the right thing for everyone involved.  But I still can’t imagine the world where son isn’t part of my day to day life.  I won’t get up early to help him get on the bus or stay up late helping him with homework.  He won’t be in his bed sleeping at night, where even if we have a particularly hard day I can still catch a glimpse of the little boy I used to rock in my arms.  And my heart hurts.

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The meeting tonight

December 9, 2008

It will be me and ex meeting tonight in a public library to see if we can get anywhere close to agreeing on how things would go if son lived with him. Pray that I can keep my cool and ex can see reason.

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My worst nightmare

December 6, 2008

My week has been awful. I mean knock down, drag out awful.  I started crying on Wednesday and I haven’t stopped.

Now most of the time when I get a mean e-mail from ex  I just read them and ignore them or forward them along to a friend so we can laugh about how much ex lives in his own little alternate universe. But not this time. The only thing I can figure is that while I was in Boston I let my guard down. I felt safe there and forgot why I had wrapped myself in this thick skin. 

Last year my grandmother gave my son a Wii for Christmas, for most of the year he has carried it back and forth to his fathers. Then I noticed it hadn’t come home in awhile and asked son to bring it home.  He agreed but when he got home that weekend he didn’t have it. So I asked ex to make sure he brings it home. Now son tells me he isn’t bringing it home and ex says it’s sons decision. I’m sorry, did I miss the part where my son doesn’t have to obey me?

Then ex calls my grandmother and then tells me that she told him that it was son’s decision. Now I call my grandmother, explain the entire situation and my grandmother is so apologetic. She is so sorry I got hurt, she didn’t intend her words to be used as justification for the Wii to stay at ex’s home. She feels used and manipulated. She is so sorry. She doesn’t want to get involved in our mess. I can hardly blame her. She has sent son a game for his Wii for Christmas, she hopes son will bring it home so it can be played. Time will tell.

But this isn’t about the Wii. It is about ex’s constant undermining of my authority and his inability to realise this perpetuates the problems currently brewing between son and I. And this is where the crying comes in.

Son is getting harder and harder to manage. He is angry all the time. Angry at me, angry at his sisters, angry at the TV, angry at his homework. Angry. It is a constant battle to get him to do his homework, pick up after himself or be nice to his sisters.  I cannot imagine how hard his life is, being the only boy in a house full of girls. But whenever I ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do he yells, “I hate you and I want to go live with my dad.”

Now I have been told this is common. But things are getting harder and harder to deal with. He school grades are slipping. His sisters are becoming scared of him. He is making life miserable. And I am beginning to consider letting him go live with his father.

My son. My first born. My baby may not live with me anymore. The pain is almost more than I can bare.