My Heart Hurts

December 11, 2008

First let me thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers on Tuesday night.  I was able to keep my cool and respond to ex in the manner I wanted.  I was also able to hold my tongue when necessary.  And I didn’t cry once.  So that part went well.

But the truth was we were discussing the details of my son going to live with his father.  Son wants to go live with his father.  He is unhappy in my house.  It’s hard for him, going through puberty in a house full of girls.  He needs a man’s direction, discipline.  And he thinks living with Daddy will solve all this problems.  It won’t.  But try explaining that to a rebellious tween.

Last week I began conceding to myself that it may be time to consider letting him go live with his Dad.   Tuesday night ex and I sat down to talk about it and see if we could agree on the changes in visitation, child support, etc.  We came pretty close to agreeing on just about everything.  For the most part ex is being reasonable.  And I think we have come to a compromise that everyone can agree on.

Don’t get me wrong, ex had some way off base ideas.  He proved several times that he lives in this warped world where he can justify his irrational behavior.  At one point he was making his argument and as I listened I began to laugh.  He really, honestly believes the crap he shovels.  Like his arguments that any sane person could see the holes in are airtight.  My lawyer keeps telling me the judge would laugh him out of court if he tried to pull this crap in court.  But I would prefer to stay out of court.  The way I see it, anytime ex and I can work together without involving the court it is better for the kids.

At one point in the conversation he let it slip that he had looked into something in his local court system.  Later in the conversation I said something about “my lawyer…”  Ex says, “Why would you get the court involved?  We need to do whats in the best interest of the kids.”  (umm… hello, do you not remember that you have talked to a lawyer as well… pot… kettle…)  And I said, “I simply need to make sure my interests are protected.”  And he says with this lofty superior attitude, “I’m looking out for the kids interests.”  As if to say I’m not.  This is when I have to look away so I don’t burst into fits of laughter.  Is that a joke? 

But I digress… For the most part we agree on things.  And what we don’t agree on I can live with.  So after Christmas break son will stay with ex and start school at a new school.

There you have it, my head has it figured out.  This is the right thing for everyone involved.  But I still can’t imagine the world where son isn’t part of my day to day life.  I won’t get up early to help him get on the bus or stay up late helping him with homework.  He won’t be in his bed sleeping at night, where even if we have a particularly hard day I can still catch a glimpse of the little boy I used to rock in my arms.  And my heart hurts.



  1. Aw mang. I just cried at the end of your post.

    I’m glad it worked out with your ex though, and like you said, it’s the best for everyone involved. I’m glad you are able to see that light through the deep, dark trees.

    Good luck. I’ve been thinking of you and your situation often, (I’ve been awaiting this post with a heavy heart) and now my heavy heart goes out to you.

  2. Awww, I’m sorry. It’s good that you guys can work it out outside of court. That’s good for your son. I hope it all works out.

  3. I’m so sorry, sometimes the best thing that can be done sucks. Your a good mom, your doing what YOU think is best for your boy, I’m proud of you. The hurt will fade with time. Sending Hugs…….

  4. I’m sorry. I know you’re doing the right thing, but that doesn’t make it any easier, I suppose. I’m proud of you, the way you’re handling this. I hope it all works out.

  5. Ouch that hurts. But it sounds like you’re doing the right thing for the boy. Hopefully, that will help you feel better about it.

  6. Wow you really are supermom. Plus nothing is forever, so if it doesn’t work out your son will always know he can come home to mom. This will teach him that you are listening to his wants and needs and can make that happen.

    Stay strong and keep truckin’.

  7. I’m glad you were able to work things out, but I can imagine that your heart is aching terribly right now. It takes a wonderful mother to put her own feelings aside and do what she feels is best for her child.

    I hope that this change will turn out to be a positive one for all of you.

  8. i luv you

    life is hard…………….and you are strong.

  9. Oh honey…I’m going to be a little cliche here and say ‘sometimes you need to let go in order to get closer’…but in this case I truly believe that it just may be true. I’m sorry for your hurt, but it WILL get better…it just has to!

    Big hugs

  10. oh wow, that is so hard. I admire that you are thinking about the best thing for your son and listening to your son and what he feels and wants. I’d die if my kids went to live with their dad, mainly because in my situation, I know he’d hire a nanny, gloat about no more child support and keep living his life for himself. Gah. I admire that you sit down with your ex. I can’t do that without shaking. I cringe when we pass the girls back and forth. I barely make it through a phone conversation…anyway, enough…good for you, but also, I am so sorry, it must be so hard to let go!

  11. this is so long after your post, i just want you to know that doing what is best for the kids and what your heart says are two very different things. i am a fairly rational person, but my ex and his family seem to make that disappear immediately.

    it is my fear, one of my biggest, to have one of my kids want to go live with their dad.

    nicely done.

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