Archive for April, 2009

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He makes it better…

April 22, 2009

It’s late but I can’t sleep. Or rather something woke me up. Something or someone.

Hunter and I have been playing phone tag for the last two days. Tonight, just as I was drifting off to sleep, my phone rang. Hunter has his own ring, a song which makes me think of him whenever I hear it. A song he sang one night while we rode together in his truck. Any other call I would have ignored, except that one.

When I answered he could tell by my voice that I had been sleeping but I needed to talk to him. Ex has been trying my patience this last week and I needed to talk to Hunter about it. And just like I knew he would, once I had poured out my frustrations, Hunter made it better. He said the right things and then he made me laugh. Like only he can.

I know I haven’t told you much about him lately. Just know he’s there, in my life, and I just can’t talk about it, yet.

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Over before it started?

April 20, 2009

It was Friday night and the universe seemed to be on it’s ear. Two of my friends were recently single and it was decided that we were going out to our usually Friday night haunt. It was just one of those nights where everything that could go wrong did and that continued Saturday morning. By Saturday afternoon it was decided we (my girlfriends and I) would stay in and watch a movie. At 7 we are sitting at a table having dinner at the local watering hole and the phone rings, a group was going out to our regular Saturday night haunt where one of my friends favorite bands was playing.

Suddenly our quiet Saturday night was junked in favor of a night of dancing. But in following with the entire weekend there were several problems getting there and we didn’t walk through the door until midnight. We spent the next hour dancing with more boys then I could count and when they finally slowed things down I turned down 3 offers to dance before a heard a voice from behind me lean over and ask me to dance. I turned around prepared to say no until I looked up to see a guy who was custom made “my type.”

So I slipped into his arms and we began talking. He made laugh and when the song was over we kept talking. Last call came and went and eventually they were clearing out the place. By the time I got to the car there was already a text on my phone “it was nice meeting you.” I replied with the same and he answered back with “do I get another dance?” We texted back and forth several times last week but couldn’t get together this weekend since I had my kids.

On Saturday he made it clear he’d like to see me again. But doubt was beginning to creep in. I began listing all the reasons in my mind a relationship with Yankee would never work. The truth is they aren’t really valid. The truth is I’m scared. Because what if a first date led to a second date, which led to a relationship? And what if the relationship doesn’t work and I get hurt? I won’t lie to you, that scares me. By Sunday I had convinced myself the next time he sent me a text I just wouldn’t respond.

Then I read this great post by Jenn where she lists all the reasons she isn’t dating. As I read the list I was nodding my head in agreement, saying “see I’m not ready to date either.” But there was a little voice inside me saying “chicken”. The truth is, I’m not Jenn. I’m ready. Those reasons that were valid a year ago aren’t anymore. I think the trick is knowing when they quit being reasons and start being excuses.

There was a reason I said yes when Yankee asked me to dance. There are no guarantees in life. I might get hurt again. But I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being afraid. And I don’t want this to be over before it even gets started.

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Just a dream

April 15, 2009

One day last week I woke up with a sense of despair. I knew it was because of my dream I just couldn’t remember what had happened. Then as I was going about my morning routine I remembered why I had that sense of dread, I assured myself that it wasn’t real, that it had just been a dream. But it has continued to rattle around in my thoughts.
 
What was it that had me so upset? In my dream ex told me that he and new wife had separated.
 
I used to spend so much time focusing on the idea that their relationship would fail and eventually ex would come back to me. I used to think it wasn’t a matter of if but when and I would just wait it out. After all he had cheated on me before but had always come back to me. I even wrote letters in anticipation of the day he would come back. I’d like to think I’m passed that, I don’t want him back.
 
Last night in my dream state, when I learned they had separated I wasn’t happy about it, I was distraught. Without mental coaching, my gut reaction was not excitement at the idea of their marriage failing. Do you have any idea how exciting that is? It’s just another confirmation that I really, truely don’t want ex back. It’s one thing to say I believe that, it’s another to get affirmation from deep down in my subconscious.
 
How is the state of their marriage? Who cares? What I care about, what I focus on is me. And me is feeling pretty good.

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Seven minutes in heaven

April 9, 2009

I used to love my job. It’s easy, I’m well paid and they are so flexible with me. It’s a dream job for a single mom. But I’m overqualified to be a secretary. Lately I’m bored and frustrated. My co-worker is… well… ummm… she isn’t overqualified for the job. And as I get bored and frustrated putting up with her gets harder.

So on my lunch I slip away to the tanning bed where I bask beneath the eerie glow of the fake sun. And it melts away my frustrations. Alright maybe this little country girl isn’t meeting a boy in the closet but I’m still smiling when I open the door to face the world again.

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My father-in-law asked me out

April 4, 2009

On Thursday my father held his annual fund raiser breakfast. So I got up early, took the kids to a friend’s house to catch the bus and arrived at breakfast in time to mingle with the men in high power suits. It’s one of the parts I love about being a politicians daughter.

There was one guy in particular that everytime I turned he was looking at me. Not in a creepy way, in the “hey I’m interested, are you?” kind of way. Only to me it really was creepy because he looked oddly like my ex father-in-law. I avoided the group of men he was speaking with but he couldn’t be avoided for long. There was eventually a receiving line and he introduced himself.

Several times during the breakfast we made eye contact and after the breakfast he made his way over to me. We struck up a conversation and it was nice. He’s a lawyer, very intelligent and we seem to have a lot in common. So that when he asked for my number it seemed silly not to give it to him. He’s called and left me a message. He would like to take me to dinner.

But I can’t bring myself to return his phone call. The thought of sitting across from him at dinner turns my stomach. I think this is one guy I’ll have to let slip through my fingers.