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Damaged goods

June 9, 2009

We went on our first date Friday night. We sat on the same side of the booth at this little hole in the wall place he loves. We talked, held hands under the table and found we have the same taste in seafood. The night was magic. He told me that I mean a lot to him and I echoed those feelings.

Then Saturday afternoon we sat on my couch and he backed out of plans for the night. His back hurt, it had been hurting all week. It shouldn’t have been a big deal. But those scars from years of disappointment and lies from ex reared their ugly head and I completely over reacted.  Bobby called me on it, told me I was being a baby and started to leave. He was right and I started to calm down but the damage had been done. Those ugly scars had been exposed.

He didn’t call Sunday. He called Monday and I apologised for my behavior. We talked and I thought things had been smoothed over. But he still hasn’t called. I can’t call him, I’m too afraid of those scars.

I’ve spent a year watching the scars heal. I’ve spent a year growing personally. I’ve spent a year building friendships and relationships. I’ve spent a year learning to be healthy again. And I’m doing pretty good.

But as much as I’ve healed I will never be the person I was before ex broke me. I will never be as strong as I was before the damage was done.

Now I’m afraid Bobby has discovered I’m damaged goods and maybe I’m not worth the effort. I’m trying so hard to remember that if he doesn’t think I’m worth the effort, then he isn’t worth the tears. I’m trying hard not to let the scars define me.

This post-divorce dating is scary. I’m scared. And I don’t know how not to be.

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4 comments

  1. okay, this is my first visit. and i read back a few posts.

    i’m over one year out. divorce is final in a week. i am just STARTING to feel possibly capable of dating, and yes, like you i had an ex that just annihilated my confidence and self-esteem.

    one thing i know for sure. if i do date again. i will make no excuses. i will not take second best and i will not worry about what anyone else thinks about me.

    not to sound pompous but, having been through all that, and seeing how strong i can be on my own, i owe that to myself and to my kids.

    i don’t know if this will work out for you two or not. but i hope no matter what the outcome, be true to yourself and know that no matter what happens, you rock, man or not.


  2. I know how you feel to an extent, and I haven’t even started dating yet. But I’ve felt a small rejection recently and it brought back so many of those old wounds. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever feel normal again.

    But if this guy is good enough to deserve you, he’ll look past the scars. I know that just saying he isn’t good for you doesn’t make you feel better though. I hope things work out, one way or the other. Don’t forget that you are strong, and those scars are just reminders of what you’ve endured.


  3. If you can’t love yourself, how can someone else love you?

    Sister, it sounds like you have some work to do. You are NOT damaged goods! If you believe that about yourself, than others will too. Don’t fall into that trap.


  4. This is also my first visit to your blog. I have also been there, and have spent the last few years healing. It’s a long, hard road, but well worth taking.

    What I took away from this article is that you believe that you are damaged and broken. That is where I would start my work. Your ex, no matter what he has said or done, didn’t give you that label, you did. As long as that is the way you feel about yourself, then that is the way people will see you.

    Best wishes on your quest for healing.



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