Archive for September, 2009

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The last kiss

September 30, 2009

We were alone, sitting on his couch, facing each other, talking. There was a pause in the conversation, the last words hung in the air and I knew he was going to reach for me. I closed my eyes and felt his lips press against mine. Then I felt his arms move around me to hold me. I waited to get swept into the kiss but it never happened.

I opened my eyes and watched him kissing me. His eyes closed. Still I felt nothing. Finally I broke the embrace and pulled back.

What was I doing here? Alone. With him. Months ago a call from him sent my heart aflutter. Weeks ago his kiss had the power to draw me in. Weeks ago I cooked in his kitchen and spent the night in his bed. But then he broke my heart.  

He still had the power to pull me in. Our texting had led me to his doorstep. As we talked what I realised is that I care about this man. I can accept him for who he is. I want him in my life. But as my friend.

  “We both need to move on.”

   “You don’t mean that.”

   “Bobby, I think we work best as friends. Don’t you?”

   “Is that really all you want from me?”

   “You aren’t ready to be the man I need. And I’m not ready to settle for anything else.”

We kept talking, about friends, about the kids, about life. He even tried again to move towards me but I dodged. It’s a funny thing, to actually see the realisation come across his face that his actions had finally pushed me far enough away he could no longer draw me back.

When I stood to leave, I kissed him quickly and walked away. This time he didn’t say “I’ll call you” a promise he had no intention of keeping. And I no longer had any expectation, any question of “I wonder if he means it THIS time.” I had broken the pattern. I felt nothing in his kiss and that felt good.

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If you only knew

September 22, 2009

You know when you are having one of those moments that you really, really want to write about on your blog. But you can’t because your stalker ex reads your blog.

Ummm… yes. Having one of those!

On a completely different subject. My post about Keith was less about him and more about me. Things with him are moving slowly and  that is a good thing.

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Recognizing the hard truth

September 19, 2009

I was in my kitchen, wiping down the counters, thinking about Keith. When it hit me, I was bordering on obsessive. And it’s not just about Keith. I do this with every relationship I’m in. I think about him constantly, pick apart our last phone conversation or his last text message. “He called me his ladyfriend. What DOES that meeeeaaaaaannnnn?” Seriously! Elisabeth!

Enough!

That’s it. I started crying, right there in the kitchen. What is wrong with me?

I have a good life. A full life. Kids. Family. Friends. School. Homework. A research project. Full social calendar. Birthday party to plan. A house in desperate need of cleaning. And all I can think about is a boy? AHHHH!!!!

What does this mean? I suppose it’s time to start overthinking this one.

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First game, first win

September 16, 2009

Unless you were hiding under a rock – or ignore sports all together – you know that Tom Brady and the Patriots put together a brilliant comeback Monday night for the win. Since I’m a Pats fan I was pretty excited. What excites me even more? I won week one in my fantasy football league.

This is my 3rd year playing fantasy football. Every year I play in The League of Extra-Ordinary Mules moderated by my friends brother. Both years previously I made the playoffs – mostly by dumb luck! But that hardly matters to me.

To me fantasy football is a symbol of my freedom, my independence. It may seem silly to you but playing fantasy football was one of the first things I did on my own. By myself. Me alone.

When you are a girl who has lived years with no confidence in yourself, when you are so beaten down you actually believe yourself to be worth very little, the simple act of playing fantasty football is intimidating. I actually remember thinking to myself, “you cannot do this, everyone in the league will know how stupid you are, you are exposing yourself.” Instead I fought back my insecurities and signed up.

So this year when I got my annual email invitation about the league I just smiled and accepted. I no longer stress about the others thinking I’m stupid based on how my team does. After all it’s only a game. But more than that, to me it will always be a symbol of stepping out on my own, taking a leap of faith and enjoying this game called life – whether you win or lose the day. Because at the end of the I win no matter what.

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My redneck

September 12, 2009

He listens to bluegrass music, has hunting dogs in his backyard and drives a great big truck with a tool box in the back. And I cannot stop thinking about him.

He came over last week to help with a home improvement project I was working on. My hair in a pony tail and shapeless paint clothes on, we had the best time. We talked and laughed. And I learned that this country boy was a whole lot smarter than I gave him credit for and I actually like bluegrass music (some of it.)

Monday night he called to invite me over for dinner but I had the kids. So on Wednesday while the kids were gone I invited him to dinner. When he arrived I had just put the chicken on the grill. He took over the grill and we talked while dinner was cooking.

Talking to him is so natural and even the silence is comfortable. After dinner we sat in my backyard, looking up at the stars. Eventually he rose to go, saying next time he would cook for me. Then he kissed me. Twice more he moved towards his truck but came back to kiss me. And his kisses. Nearly knock me on my butt.

There is no pressure. He’s not pushing for more than I’m willing to give. My redneck is also a gentleman. And that is so refreshing.

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Best Days of Your Life

September 9, 2009

Have you heard this song by Kellie Pickler? You really should listen!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xd7l7_D0y-k

Sorry I couldn’t get it to embed.

Tonight as I was putting sponge curlers in my daughters hair this song was playing. She says, “mom, I don’t understand this song.”

I explained, “it’s a girl telling a boy who has left her – your days with me were the best days of your life – but you left me, so the best days of your life are over.”

She says, “oh like the best days of Daddy’s life were with you but now they are over?”

Oh internet, out of the mouthes of babes!

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Small town Saturday night

September 1, 2009
I started my Saturday night at a friend’s 30th surprise birthday party. She was completely surprised and the party was a lot of fun. I got to see some friends I hadn’t seen in awhile. As the party wound down a guy I knew from high school asked if I’d like to head over to another party with him. To sweeten the deal he offered to let me drive his truck, for me that’s an offer I can’t refuse.
 
Let me take just a moment to introduce Keith. I have known Keith since middle school but we never ran in the same circles. The weird part is that a month ago while I was looking at old yearbooks with a friend my thoughts lingered on him, for no explicable reason. So when I looked up and saw him at the birthday party it was uncanny.
 
The second party was huge. It was a great place for a party. It was on a farm out behind the house. There were people in the barn, out in the field, people had pitched tents, pulled over their campers. I ran into tons of people I knew and with the keys in my pocket I was fine when our conversations took Keith and I in different directions. Occasionally he would bring me a drink or check on me, it was nice.
 
As the night wore on there was another guy hitting on me. When he wouldn’t take no for an answer I made my way back to Keith, threaded my arm around his waist and whispered “help”. Understanding he put his arm around my shoulder. When the guy winked at me from across the room, Keith gave him the “she’s with me” guy stare. Sigh… there’s just something about a man who will come to your rescue.
 
After we left the party we drove around for a little while talking. He says, “I saw you at the *** Festival. You looked beautiful but I didn’t think you’d talk to me.” Then he says, “I saw you up at the school with your daughters, you’re such a good mom.” I realised he had seen me a lot over the last year without ever approaching me. It wasn’t creepy or stalkerish, it was flattering.
 
Finally we ended up back at my house at four in the morning. Not wanting the night to be over but not willing to invite him in, we sat on my back porch. We talked for another hour and he asked, “will you give me your number?” He added my number to his phone and then stood up. He headed for his truck before turning around and saying “can I kiss you?” I looked up, he leaned down and gave me the sweetest kiss. Not too short but not pushing for anything more. Then he got in his truck and drove away.
 
Oh, internet. My life. I love it.
 
And BFF, please don’t freak out when I tell you who “Keith” really is.