I could.

November 20, 2009

It had been just more than a month since I had seen Bobby. I missed him.

So I sent the text message, “are you busy?” He responded immediately. I wanted so badly to see him but seeing him only makes things harder. An hour later, after two more text messages from him, I responded. He wasn’t home but he told me where to find the spare key. When he got home he started talking.

He has made changes in his life. Big ones. Positive ones. Changes I thought he would never make. And we talked about the changes and what they mean for us. Right now, nothing. We still cannot be together. He needs the changes to stick and I have to know the changes are real.

Finally I stood to go but he held on. And I couldn’t let go. Later that night when I rolled over to watch him sleep one thought overwhelmed me – “I could love you, if you let me.”

It has been three days since I walked out his door. Three days I have spent in tears. I miss him. That doesn’t change. I want to see him. That doesn’t change. I cannot be with him. This time I have hope, that may change.

Today my friend asked “do you love him?”

No. But I could.

I could.

And I’m not sure what scares me more, life with him or life without him.


One comment

  1. Oh man, tell me about it. Great post.

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