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Is it me?

December 14, 2009

Ten days ago it started with a simple text message from him. He wasn’t feeling well, could I bring him some soup? I considered saying no, I considered ignoring him but then I remember I was done playing games with him. So I went, warming the soup in his kitchen when I got there. A kitchen I am completely comfortable in. Then we lay on his bed, cuddled together, watching country music videos. And I was in heaven. I had plans and they soon took me out into the night.

Usually after I see him I do not hear from him for several weeks. So when his text message arrived the next day I was stunned. Then Sunday my phone began to play his ring tone and my surprise was calculable, he invited me and my kids over for dinner. Monday night, when we walked into his house my oldest ran to him and threw her arms around his waist. He told me later he now knows what love looks like, seeing her face as she walked towards him.

For seven days straight we talked. Each time I figured that was the last time I would hear from him for weeks. And each time I would hang up I got a little more scared. What happened when he quit calling? It was going to break my heart. On Tuesday, when I hung up I literally started crying. I was getting used to having him in my life again and I was terrified of the heartbreak when he quit calling.

On Friday my phone was silent. He didn’t call he didn’t text. I tried hard not to freak out. On Saturday my phone went off, before I was even awake he was texting me. Again that night I was surprised when it was his name on my phone. On Sunday he called, the conversation was quick.

When we hung up my fears again began to take root.

How do you get past this worry and fear? How do you just enjoy the time without worrying what comes next? Because if I cannot learn to do that, this thing we have is never going to survive.

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