December 16, 2009

Our timing has always been bad. The examples are endless. When things ended in June, as I cried my heart out to a girlfriend, the truth came down to this, I couldn’t even fault him. Our relationship was a victim of bad timing.

For months now we have not been able to let go, there is always a phone call, a meeting. One meal or one night.

And now, we have started talking again. Every day. I saw him hours ago, kissed his lips.

He is giving me everything he has to offer right now. But I’m not sure it’s enough. I know it’s selfish and probably crazy but I want more.

Tonight I was complaining to my friend and basically she said “you have to realise he cannot give you what he doesn’t have to give. Right now he cannot give you [that]. It isn’t his fault, it isn’t your fault, it just is, you do not get to be mad about it.”

She’s right. I know it but selfishly I want him to be ready. I want him to be healed and whole. And I want us, right now. I have alluded to changes he is making in his life. Believe me, they are big changes, life changes, they are not overnight changes, they are also the only way we can have a future together.

So we will spend Christmas together, I will wake up beside him, because neither of us can imagine it any other way. 

But I’m trying not to look any farther. I’m trying not to wonder what happens next. I’m trying not to think about it because if I’m honest I already know the answer.


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