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Childless Christmas

December 23, 2009

Splitting the holidays. Every couple does it differently. Since we both have family out of town we agreed early on to alternate Thanksgiving – the whole thing – so we could travel. Whoever doesn’t get Thanksgiving gets the first half of the kids Christmas holiday, through December 26th. This year I got Thanksgiving. 

After nearly three years of child exchange I am finding my attitude towards time without the kids has changed over time. I used to dread the Friday nights the kids would climb into their father’s car and drive away. Then eventually I began looking forward to it but feeling guilty that I was happy my kids were gone. Now I have settled into a comfortable middle ground where I miss the kids when they are gone but I also enjoy the break.

This holiday season passed in a blur. I filled it with as many fun events for the kids as I could. My girlfriend and I had our traditional cookie weekend. We drove around and saw Christmas lights. We had friends over for movie night. We went to the tree farm and cut down our own tree and then decorated it and the house.

Now my house is empty. The hussle and bustle is quiet and I miss them. They will not be here on Christmas Eve, the nervous energy that keeps them from falling asleep will be missing. No one will jump on me on Christmas morning begging to open their stocking.

My children will never again wake up on Christmas morning with both their parents. I wouldn’t go back. But just for a moment I mourn the loss for them. And miss them.

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