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Am I worth it?

December 31, 2009

I am the center of attention. I dance in the aisle at the grocery store. I strike up conversations with the bank teller. I have 400 friends on facebook. I can carry on an intelligent conversation in most areas and keep up to date with political issues. I smile a lot. I’m an eternal optimist, I believe the glass is half full. I am a hopeless romantic and cry at sappy movies.

These are things I know for sure about myself.

But am I worth loving? Am I ever going to be truely loved for who I am? Me?

If we were to meet on the street I would be able to give you the right answer. Yes, unequivically. I am a strong, beautiful woman. I am a great mother, who helps with homework and packs lunches. I am good at my job and keeping others around me happy. I can stand on the podium with my father and shake hands with complete strangers. I am a good student, daughter, friend.

But at night. When I’m lying in my bed and there is no one to put on a smile for. I’m not so sure of myself.

It all comes down to one man. A man who promised to love me and then took it back. In two years I have come so far, seeing our years together for what they were, a lie. He lied to me, even worse I lied to myself, until I didn’t even recognise the truth anymore. I didn’t recognise myself. I have spent two years looking, finding, rekindling the old me.

But now I have come to the point where it is time to open my heart and let someone new in. A man. The man. See me. For who I really am.

What if he doesn’t love me? What if he gets past my defenses and decides that I am not worth love.

I know all the right answers. I know what I’m supposed to say. I know what so many of you are screaming at me right now.

But none of that. Nothing you say will matter. Until the night I can lay quietly, alone and know that I am worth love.

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4 comments

  1. I absolutely adore this post! You are definitely in the running for #1. Stay tuned. And I know this won’t help, but you are definitely worth it. ; )


  2. I know what you mean. You know all the things to say, and what everyone else would say to you, but deep down there is still that insecurity. I feel the same way.


  3. You ARE worth love! I am too, as long as I LET myself love. Its scary. Thanks for vocalizing it.


  4. I hope 2010 brings you that inner peace, the enlightment that allows you to see yourself on the inside the way you are seen on the outside.

    Genarally speaking, to me this demonstrates the difference between men and women. Women will find their worst attribute and judge herself on this one criteria. Men will find the best thing about himself and his view of himself revolves around that attribute, glossing over the bad stuff. Except for me, ’cause I’m not the typical guy. lol



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