Archive for February, 2010

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Falling apart

February 27, 2010
He called. And sent text messages. Finally 9 days after the break up it was time to talk.
 
“My life has been falling apart since that night.”
 
Somehow that admission made it feel a little better. He went on to tell me about the things that had gone wrong since that night. The list just seemed to grow. Most of the items had absolutely nothing to do with me. But they were things that seem bigger when you face them alone.
 
Like so many times over the last year I listened as he talked. And encouraged. Him. Gone were the “we’ll make it through” assurances, they were replaced by “you will figure it out.”
 
He apologised again for the way things happened. Truths thrown at me in an alcohol induced conscious clearing session. “You broke my heart, you hurt me, badly. But I forgive you.” His response, “you are too good for me.”
 
“Forgiveness isn’t about you. It’s about me.” I have no intention of harboring bitterness or resentment, that’s not who I am, as a person. I’ve already been a person I didn’t recognise, twisted by lies and deceit of the man who had sworn to love me. I refuse to be that person again. This man, with his truths, no matter how painful, does not have the power to change me, my character.

When I left I stood in his doorway, turned and looked at him. “Friends?” He asked. I nodded my consent. But can we really be friends? After everything we’ve been through?

All my friends tell me no. Experience screams it isn’t possible. I should just walk away without looking back. I shouldn’t answer his text message. I should pick up the phone when it rings.

But I do. Because despite everything, I refuse to be one more person in his life who walked away. I’m just not sure if that makes me noble or foolish.

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A Better Man

February 16, 2010

I’m sure you know the scene, when Jack Nicholson says to Helen Hunt, “You make me want to be a better man.” That scene used to play out a lot in my head. Bobby never said those words instead he was making changes.

These were not changes I asked for or insisted on. I accepted him as he was, loved him for the person he was. But there were activities in his life I couldn’t, wouldn’t participate in. Not illegal activities, but things that went against my own moral code. And they prevented us from having a forever. Vague, I know, sorry. How about an example?

Porn. Perfectly legal activity. I deplore it. It cheapens something that should be beautiful when shared between two people in love. I find it disgusting that a man would get turned on by another woman and then turn to me to satisfy his primal urges. Several times early on Bobby asked me to watch it with him, I refused, flat, no room for discussion. I knew it was something he still looked at but never when I was around.

Then several weeks ago he told me he had gotten rid of his stash. The shelf of his closet was cleaned off, completely. Just gone.

There were several things like that. I never asked. I never nagged. I never gave ultimatums. He just made the little changes.

He is a bad boy. And every woman thinks she is going to change her bad boy. Every woman thinks that she is going to be the reason he goes straight. I think he tried. I think he looked at me, and my girls and saw a future. He saw a woman who would be there through the good times and bad. He saw a woman who would take care of him and he wanted to take care of me. He loved my girls, took them to get ice cream, bought them special treats, got them off the school bus. He could see the family he wanted so desperately.

All this year I have seen his promise. I have watched him stumble, fall off the cliff and then pull himself back up. I have watched him struggle and then suceed. I have listened to him talk about his hopes and dreams and marveled at how well they matched mine. And my heart soared when it seemed our lives were finally on the same path.

Then he got drunk and he said some things he’ll never be able to take back. All the little questions I had in the back of my mind answered, in the harshest of fashions. The things he said didn’t just break my heart, they shattered it. Finally, when I could actually find words, what I said was, “You stupid, self destructive man.” And the reality that this leopard could not change his spots finally was beginning to sink in.

His response, “I told you I was a bad guy.” My mind replays those words he threw at me as if they were an excuse, moments before I drove away. When he could no longer look me in the eye. He’s right. I knew he was a bad boy. I knew it but I fell for him anyway.

So lately I’ve been asking myself if I should have done things differently. If I should have held back. Am I to blame for my own broken heart? Maybe, partly. I knew better than to trust a bad boy with my heart.

But to be honest with you. If I had it to do it all over again, I’d still try. There are things along the way I might do differently. But I would still trust until it was broken. I’d still believe him to be good until he proved otherwise. That’s what makes me, me.

I make no apologies for seeing the best in him and believing he can be a better man. I also make no apologies for being the forever kind of girl. But what I know now is that we do not have a forever. And that’s okay. Because right now, when I imagine my life in a year, he isn’t in it. If only I could get him out of next week.

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Regrets

February 9, 2010

Bobby hurt me. It’s not the same as before but my heart is broken, a little.

We talked today. He is genuinely sorry he hurt me. That doesn’t make it any easier.

What does make it easier? Knowing that this is a natural part of life. People meet, they start dating, sometimes things work out, sometimes they don’t. The fact that they didn’t work out this time doesn’t mean that either of us is undesirable or unworthy of love. (Although right now, because it still hurts I would just like to say I think it means he cannot recognise a good thing when it’s staring him in the face.) It doesn’t mean that either of us are bad people. (Although, really to break my heart, my sweet innocent little heart, what kind of monster do you have to be? Wait, sorry, back to the positive.) It just means that there is no future for us.

One of the things that scared me the most about getting involved with Bobby was the fear of getting hurt again. But I decided that I had to try. I had to look at the situation and decide which decision I would regret, giving us a chance and opening myself up to being hurt or walking away and always wondering what might have been. In the end I decided walking away would be the regret. The natural choice was opening my heart. So I cannot bring myself to regret that decision.

There are some who have suggested I not write about this here, where my ex can read it. But I don’t think what happened is anything to hide.Yes, I got dumped. Yes, I got hurt. But you know what else? I had fun. We made some memories that I will always treasure.

This life, this crazy life with it’s ups and down. Despite the fact that right now is a down, despite the fact that right now my heart is crying, despite all that, I love my life today and wouldn’t trade a moment of it. How can you regret that?

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We need to talk

February 8, 2010

He loves spending time with me. He loves everything about me. I’m perfect for him. He loves the girls and would do anything to keep them happy. But he doesn’t love me. Not the way a man should. Not the way I deserve.

There are reasons we didn’t, couldn’t have a future. But I am the glass half full kind of girl. I am the love conquers all girl. In the end I believed we could have made it work. But love cannot conquer anything if it isn’t there.

So I suppose I should appreciate his honesty. And maybe tomorrow I will.

But right now. It hurts. Right now. My heart is broken.

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I didn’t mean it

February 1, 2010

Snow has fallen again. Blanketing our east coast city. Only a month after our last big snow.

But so much has changed in this last month. We have become a couple.

On Saturday I was cooking in the kitchen and he was on the couch playing video games. The mood was light and he made a joke. He had no way of knowing the words he said in jest had once been used as cruelty by my ex. And knowing that he didn’t mean them, knowing that he couldn’t know what he was saying, knowing all that I still could not stop the tears that flowed.

He came to me, immediately apologising. I tried assuring him it was okay but still I couldn’t make the tears stop. I ran from the room.  Assuring myself I just needed to be alone I locked myself in the bathroom. And he gave me a moment.

And then he tried to open the door. Not to be thwarted by a flimsy lock, it took just a moment for him to push open the door. He sat beside me on the tub. And calmly he began to tell me all the things he appreciated about me. Until finally all I could do was put my arms around his neck and lose myself in his kiss.

He followed me, he wasn’t content to let me walk away. And I no longer want to.