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I didn’t mean it

February 1, 2010

Snow has fallen again. Blanketing our east coast city. Only a month after our last big snow.

But so much has changed in this last month. We have become a couple.

On Saturday I was cooking in the kitchen and he was on the couch playing video games. The mood was light and he made a joke. He had no way of knowing the words he said in jest had once been used as cruelty by my ex. And knowing that he didn’t mean them, knowing that he couldn’t know what he was saying, knowing all that I still could not stop the tears that flowed.

He came to me, immediately apologising. I tried assuring him it was okay but still I couldn’t make the tears stop. I ran from the room.  Assuring myself I just needed to be alone I locked myself in the bathroom. And he gave me a moment.

And then he tried to open the door. Not to be thwarted by a flimsy lock, it took just a moment for him to push open the door. He sat beside me on the tub. And calmly he began to tell me all the things he appreciated about me. Until finally all I could do was put my arms around his neck and lose myself in his kiss.

He followed me, he wasn’t content to let me walk away. And I no longer want to.

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