I love him

March 19, 2010

I love him. Six weeks after he broke my heart, I still love him.

I cook dinner in his kitchen. He gets my girls off the bus. We text. We talk on the phone. He confides in me his financial worries. I talk to him about my ex. But we never touch. It is comfortable. It is easy. Most days.

I sat on his couch, the software he had purchased for my computer sat between us. I knew I shouldn’t be there, just being close to him was hard. “Thank you,” I said,” for the software.”

“Thank you,” he replied, “for not hating me.”

I wish I did. That would make this easier. If he didn’t call. If he didn’t text. If my kids didn’t love him, if he didn’t love my kids. If I didn’t see his dog as one of my babies. If I could imagine my life without him, this would be easier.

I’m moving on. I’m going out. I’m meeting new people. I’ve given out my number. I’ve made plans with other men. This morning I got a “Good Mornin” text that made me smile.

But as the day wore on I didn’t hear from him. Bobby. The one name that makes my heart skip a beat. 

Since they say confession is good for the soul I sent an email to BFF.

I love him, I don’t know how not to.  I’m doing all the “move on” things. But I still go see him, I still take his phone calls. And I know it’s easy for you to say stop. And I probably even know I should.

Her response brought tears to my eyes.

And you’ll probably love him forever.  Doesn’t make him any better for you or your kids.  Eventually, you’ll find someone to move on with.  Just give it time. My heart still hurts for some of the loves I’ve lost.  It doesn’t make me love [her fantastic husband] any less, they’ll just always be a part of me.

With that I had permission to love him, while still accepting that I cannot be with him. I love him, I may love him for a long time still. But I’ll keep going. I’ll keep smiling. I’ll keep flirting. And one day I’ll fall in love with someone else.

One day I’ll look back on my time with him and smile. Knowing for certain “tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.”


One comment

  1. I am sorry your having to go through this! I am in a bit of a different but similar situation. I like him (a lot) he likes me (we aren’t sure how much, but enough to go “am I ready to add a family to my family?”)but he isn’t ready for anything serious. I miss him. Hoping it gets better for you soon. It is hard to NOT think about someone you’ve thought about multiple times a day for a long time.

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